Thursday, September 27, 2007

the DList Blogs-9-06 to 2-07

Friday February 16, 2007
Dangerous curves ahead, hair splitting turns and an overall feeling of untendable trauma. I am living a life that has lost all meaning, purpose and point. I have given up almost evrything that used to make me happy and continue to torture myself with....
things i know won't bring me anything but more misery. i've stopped taking the plague drugs and next step is no more of the "i'm so sad & depressed" meds. If God has a plan for me then he better show it quick- i have not only decided that life is pretty much over-rated but also that everything i thought i wanted or needed is pretty much bullshit. I used to be this guy that was making things happen- now i can't even get myself to happen. i sleepwalk thru the rest of my life, looking back at the past and unable to release the regret, shame & sorrow. If i could do anything different i most likely wouldn't. I've taken one step closer to the edge and i left my parachute at home. even the slightest breeze could knock me over at this point and sad to say, i'd almost welcome it.
Posted by corekt ( Feb 16 2007, 05:17:04 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Tuesday February 13, 2007
Speeding, burning across an empty stretch of night, slowing down only to breathe in the fumes of what you leave behind, the acrid yet intoxicating stench of your life, it's actions leading to consequence, some deserved, others not.
This year has increasingly become one about re-evaluating past actions and putting them into a place where they can be learned from instead of embarrassed by. 4 decades old man i am. still acting out like a selfish 14 yr old intent on taking revenge on a world that constantly found new ways to afflict me. Turning my personal life and past drama into something that doesn't have to read like a scarier version of "Running With Scissors", but also doesn't have to haunt me in my dreams and keep me from getting on with things. My therapist fired me (terminated our sessions is what he called it), i fired my AA sponsor, my immediate family and any future inclination of avoiding any sort of explosive or life threating situation. I'm slowly disconnecting from my past but not forgetting it either. I had to lose everything to get something new in my life. Moving ahead without losing sight is easier said than done and the temptations of the city beckon me at every turn. There's the flesh parade, the drugged out bliss of self medicated numbness, the sheer inability to organize at least 1 aspect of my increasing chaotic life, the detrimental possibilities of my self prescribed hiv med holidaze, the growing tension and fear of the cancerous legion under my tongue being removed surgically on thursday, the kooky sensations of a new dude in my life, coming out of nowhere, not really fitting any of my types and yet i'm smitten, allowing myself to fall into feelings i've been running from for so long now i was afraid i might never enjoy them again. But just around the corner waits something almost menacing, calculated to aid in my self destruction, ready to jump at the first weak willed chance i give it. I've been fooling myself into thinking that I can handle everything going on around me without the possibility that i might crack. break. split wide open. letting the pity party escalate unto the misery marathon, culminating in the self hate and doubter cascade of irreversible revile. I am working it overtime in so many facets of my life. I'm thankfully inspired though and am getting ready for my show at rapture in early June. I am almost thru with one huge 15 ft long by 6 ft wide collage encompassing several layer of ripped and silhouetted images from fashion rags and porn mags and pop culture swag. I'll also show 2 other smaller ones I did last year on a similar tip. The rest of the show will be a mix of self portraits and pictures i've been taking of all these cool new kids i've been meeting at Rapture. The portraits of Lindsey & Brandon & Dan are strangely reminiscent of my work from the Village Voice in the late 80's, which tweaks me with a surprisingly refreshing dose of personal nostalgia and reinvigoration of my inspiration genes. I've been getting lost in my art instead if in anonymous cock, replacing my urging desires for a creative concession of personal expression. Sometimes i actually find myself with an uncluttered mind, my conscience finally allowed to relax and unwind as i momentarily lose my train of thought and sink into a comforting obliviousness- not letting anything touch me and only feeling what i want to. So i'm gonna take a break from wondering whats coming next and let myself bask in the shade of the present, no longer remembering the past or hoping for tomorrow, but relishing the stillness of each and every moment in that special day.
Posted by corekt ( Feb 13 2007, 05:52:24 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Little girl lost in the fire, pale skinned bettie with a penchant for spectacular drama...open up to me and let me into your mind, taking detours thru your heart and soul, but never understanding why you make me cry.
Chance meeting, un-coincidental encounter. Old soul, older soul, girl to man to man still like a boy and girl more like a woman. 2 selfish streaks cammouflaged as carnal desire, both with a tinge of sad regret that comes off as insincere and slight. Me both trap our emotions deep down in our throat- confusing release with sacrifice of emote. I know what will happen to you, if in fact you are like me- so i'm praying your not and a future full of possibility. Although i've reached a few dreams, i'm broken too, but theres a good chance that won't happen to you. So learn a lesson that took a life for me, and pray your dreams are realized fore ye ever cease to believe.
Posted by corekt ( Feb 13 2007, 05:13:34 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Twas the night before St. Valentines day and the boys of the east village set forth in search of fresh meat, tiny spincters and an unending capacity for counterfeit astonishment balanced by deft displays of adolescent distraction masquerading as lust-...
...-full attraction. Its officially half a year now since i have seen my ex james. no communication. no casual encounters on the blvd of life. I think of him once in a while, but the feeling of us is slowly fading and a new layer of me is emerging ready to take on a new experience. new energy. new friends. new friends with benefits. new friends with more than just benefits. I met this dude Jerrod a little over 3 wks ago at the Phoenix. He was on a date with my friend Ludo whom i had hooked up with a week earlier. I was at the beginning of the end of my newly minted single 40 yr old gay guy plopped into world of barely present twenty something faggots lost in a blaze of one night stands and anonymous encounters and unending capacity for a plethora of pharma-drama. Ludo introduces me to Jerrod and right away i'm struck by his eyes- blueish grey and twinklin'. After a few beers i realize that Ludo is smiling at us and that i've been talking non- stop diarrea of the fuckin mouth non stop to jerrod, ignoring the drunken swirl of gay flesh twirling furiously around us. Ludo has played matchmaker and replaced himself on his date with me and i couldn't of cared less. I kiss the back of jerrods neck and we soon lv the bar and go back to his place- only 20 blocks away from mine and between bouts of spontaneous sexual combustion clumsily mixed with anebriated enthusiasm, we discover our b'days are 2 days apart, both leos- both want to end up one day in Frisco,both recently broken up with signifigent others, both in our own forms of recovery, both hungry for life and a good laugh and both in search of a certain kind of peace neither of us can fully explain. Fast forward to today, St. Valentines day eve and i'm chillin at the Rapture and pissed because i just realized i took my seraquil by accident with my hiv meds and it's hitting me hard, washing over me in waves of narcoleptic delight, the promise of sleep threatening my evening. Jerrod is going out of town for 2 weeks so we are celebrating Valentines day on the 13th since he lvs in the morning. Feels kinda cool and kinda strange to have a date on a holiday i shared for the past 5 yrs with the same dude. but jerrod is a mysterious buffer from the overly obvious and i let myself start to enjoy the thought and find myself looking forward to this evening days before it gets here. i look around and drink another shot of coffee cursing the seraquil and feeling as if a huge weight has been tied to my back, slouching shoulders lost in a cosmic crush of drug induced haze. Kelly Osbourne is nicely massacring madonna in the background and my imagination lets me drift into a state of near perfect balance and as i check my reflection in the glasses of a passing hipster chick a dee i let out a long over due sigh and realize i stopped hoping for things long ago, finally content in the possibilities of just making it thru another day. my mood is good and i'm anxious to move ahead with the next 180 days, allowing more laters of regret, guil, hurt & shame to shed and new ones full of harmony, respect and peace to emerge. Softly submerging my once crushed soul into a steady casting of my stronger self.
Posted by corekt ( Feb 13 2007, 05:04:21 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Thursday February 08, 2007
I'm sitting on the F, counting the dots on a polish womans blouse and trying not to lose my mind. the day before was pretty jumbled yet awesome. Life is crazy, but good and surprises continue to turn up in unexpected ways- keeping me distracted from my...
habit of letting my mind slip into a dark place and tell me that everything i'm doing, feeling, needing & wanting is SHIT. NOT! I shit you not, as my dad used to say, things seem to be getting better. My mom got out of the hospital yesterday, and we actually had a nice conversation, though i'm pretty sure she figured out it was me that used my dead dads credit card to charge a new triple 5 soul coat and a few other items of gay boy neccesity. I'm still living in the crack hotel, where each night is a new adventure in insanity- trannie hookers in leopard thongs roam the hall at all hours while each of the other tenants on my floor sink further and further into a cracked out haze of dismissed bliss. Been shooting a bunch of very cool new friends once a week and each one has added an interesting new facet to my life. Lindsey is a 16 yr old firecracker of infectious enthusiasm and way too cool for her young years style & savvy. A mix of Bettie Page, Snow White & Siousie Souix, she has breathed new life into my pictures and i'm endlessly fascinated by her pale white skin, cat like eyes and spunky sense of humour. Brandon is an LA transplant who brightens my daze with his dry wit and sweet demeanor. His sharp features and lanky frame are a photographers dream come true, but his friendship is whats becoming most important as he constantly puts my 40 yr old self in check with his way too wise for 24 old soul perspective. Dan was the surly alt boy dujour...now he's just sweet dan, the dude with fierce shaggy hair, a silly giggle and talents that constantly amaze me- he writes and knits- Stop it! Jess & Rufus are the cutest couple ever- Jess a tiny asian dynamo of gorgeous proportions and the warmest most lovely laugh you'll ever hear and Rufus is her Brit boy with ultra deluxe eyelashes and non stop style. Mark B is a dude that one can only love- we've been working at Rapture together since the beginning and you know that i love a boy who teaches me how to use a power drill. James and Louise are another cute couple in my life- James a jokester and silly monkey that constantly cracks me up and Louise a breath of humble beauty, unending in her quest for nutty news and simple sensations. But lets faceit, it's all about...Jerrod. Yes, J has a name and Jerrod it tis. He has in 2 wks completely given me a new perspective on life- brought a perma grin to my face and taken me into his arms with sweetest kisses and cuddles a tired old fart like me could ever wish for. He asked me out for valentines day and i'm just like, WOW, i actually have a valentine. Corny? Yep. Do i care? NOPE! Havin hella fun with him, but his cute lil doggie olive the dachsund is going to have to learn how to keep her wet sharp snout out of my bunghole. Even Beavis & Butthead wouldn't go there. So where am i going with all this? Nowhere really. Just giving thanks & blessing to the new souls in my life and thanking God that i'm alive, moving on with my life and not depressed about not being a fashion superfreak anymore. I ain't got time for trends these days- i've got coffe to make & serve, new & old friends to love and a fierce new dude in my life to make out with and hold onto.
Posted by corekt ( Feb 08 2007, 12:50:19 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Sonic splinters of meth like presicion shoot through my mind- distracting me from my usual daze and leaving me unable to fend for my very senses. DList is getting rid of the blogs so they can free up more server space for what it seems people actually...
use this site for- cruising for tom, dick & harry. and bobby. and adam. and steve. and you get the picture. I guess it was destined to be- but it would be cool if the dudes who actually used this as a blogging venue could come together and start their own blog site, if not to keep our small community together, but also to offer an alternative to the other options which were never as cool as the DList model. I've been on this site since July and my life has gone through many crazy changes- most of which i blogged about. I used to be an actual writer- Fashion, celebrities, pop culture was my thing and The Voice, NY Press, SF Bay Guardian, Interview, Elle and many more were casa to my prose. then i stopped to concentrate on my pictures, not being inspired to write again till i joined DList and became a part of their blogging community. It was inevitable that the site would grow and very quickly- it really is MySpace for the gay boys, but with a much more corekt edge. Hats off to Daniel N and his always amazing crew- but heres also hoping that DList doesn't end up just another Manhunt or worse, Gay.com. we need a place to check out dick, sure, but DList also provides a link to cool guys all over the world who let their freak flag fly loud & proud and sometimes (though not all the time, thank god!) life is about more than just the next big, fat, beer can cock you wanna suck on.
Posted by corekt ( Feb 08 2007, 12:24:15 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Tuesday February 06, 2007
Ok- Life check corekt- here ya go- on a new adventure, with a new dude, with a new attitude, with a corekt effect w/out hesitant dis-respect- loving myself as if i never left. my sences. my own self respect- coming clean actually works in retrospect...
So we meet up after i get off work, me arriving first after scrambling to 3 western unions until $ sucess was in my pocket and dinner garunteed paid for. He shows up looking super cute and freshly groomed, ready for anything, a smile of infection at every flash of his grin, not a sin, to look at him. So we eat at some kinda morrocan joint- trading stories over cous-cous and keeping things in perspective- until we get home - his place- and fall all over each other as i sketch and he tells me about his family and my mom calls fresh out of the hospital and he's cool wit dat and we hang with the roomate whos fierce and laugh at bad cable and the state of the world & douche bag liscence plates and gay dudes on reality TV and i look in his eyes and he realizes he's seen me before- year or so ago at gallaghers where he was on a candy land twist and selling his stash of fashion books. Apparently we flirted and he remembers me clear as a bell and i feel like a stoner because even though i kinda remember i kinda don't and this guy is pretty incredible in terms of being a decent man- cool human being, and ferociously fierce make-out bandit. i'm in his arms all nite and i actually sleep, waking up occassionally to rub againsat him and hold him in a different way- this is good. right now. unexpected, but highly selected- loving the honest flow and the burst of energy i feel each time we speak- the ex- grows ever distant, my heart grows ever complascent, until, the bitter tide washes away from past malaise and i accept this new sensation and show it the respect it deserves. i couldn't take being in a limbo of lost sexual lust disguised as modern age desire- so i break into a group of one- looking for another one- not a past repeat, but something some might want to explete.
Posted by corekt ( Feb 06 2007, 03:51:13 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Tuesday January 30, 2007
Ok, so i have a big stupid grin on my face and thefaintest scent of dachsund breath under my skin...
had dinner over at J's last night- quite the couture affair and to say i was not only flattered, but impressed is an understatement- felt like such a loser showing up empty handed on account of how fucking broke i am- but J was cool and met me at the door with a smile, a kiss and and a lil 420 bliss. we spent the whole night talking, laughing, watching sick ass flash art (RUBBERBOY ROCKS!) and lounging all over each other, taking breaks to make-out and then fall into conversation all over again. met the roomie- she's rad and hella funny- so we all ended up just kickin it, playing WII and just having a corekt time. went to sleep way too late- but who cares- i spent the night holding onto him as if he was a life raft and wondering how this new phenomenon came into my life and why it feels like i've known him for ever and it all feels so good and comfortable and casual and corekt. I'm having my surgery on thursday- oh yeah- got a cancerous legion under my tongue. no biggie i guess, and he's going away for the wkend- so i might not get to see him again until monday- well- absence makes the heart grow fonder they say- but here's the deal- i think J is pretty cool. he's got his shit together- he's fucking cute as shit, he makes me laugh and theres a bunch of other stuff i'm not even gonna mention, but to make a long story short, i haven't felt this refreshed and fierce and stupid ass happy in a long time. sometimes, it just rocks to kick back and let thing go where they want to and simply enjoy the fucking ride. right now i'm on the tilt-a J- whirl, and the faster it spins the more i like it. and for some reason, even though i'm holding on tight, i feel if i was to suddenly let go- i'd be able to catch myself before i fall and after all i've been through- THAT'S a major improvement. Good times from bad, new beginnings born of old destruction and hope replaces fear as i sink into the fast lane of life, seat belt fastened, but my head stuck out the window as far as i can reach as the wind of the day and each new feeling settles me into a state of unignorant satisfaction mixed with a healthy thirst for more. More life. more experience. more joy. more J.
Posted by corekt ( Jan 30 2007, 02:35:17 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Sunday January 28, 2007
fierce things come in unexpected packages- surprises that seem to come out of nowhere but were just waiting for the right time to present themselves...
So J has popped into my life and after the initial first night quickie stand- we actually hooked up and went on a semi real date a few days later which was corekt- boy bars and old lady polish dives that ended up in a cuddle make-out fest at his place and a first sleep over, complete with his dachsund curling up between us- cute? yes. corny? no. corect? hella. tomorrow night he's making me dinner and were gonna watch a movie then continue our mack out session. him- beautiful blue grey eyes- nice tats and an infectious giggle. me- deliriously happy. next- tune in to see. the chances are lookin good- the ex is almost erased from my mind and the future, for once is looking bright. g'nite fellas.
Posted by corekt ( Jan 28 2007, 11:40:20 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Saturday January 20, 2007
there aren't too many ways to say it's really over, other than, it's really over...
I guess that's why i've been acting out in every way possible, putting a band aid of sexual dis-satisfaction spread over my world like a big black hole, and i'm falling into deeper & deeper, unable to break my own self induced spell of the distraction of sexual attraction. I lv. Unisexy after a chill nite of watching former 80's nightclub supa stars and chilling on the green room roof with old friends like jessica rabbit and new friends like shelly from the cafe. Dan keeps me in stitches and we lv around 1am, walking through the EV and rding chubby girls on their fierce tights and recounting days gone by as bad boys on the scene- i head to boiler room alone and meet the choclate pimp who takes me to candyland and then the need for a connect cums in and i'm transfixed because i know better but can't control the urge- so i lock eyes with him- jose with a newsboy cap pulled low over one eye- silver hair buzzed tight and an inviting smile- so i invite myself over and sit next to him at the bar- trading stories about club days gone by- a mutual love of early punk rock and a quick need to kiss- lose ourselves in an oral orgasm of public display of distraction of attraction- we close the bar and walk home- then hop in a cab the final few blocks- fucking till 9am- candyland indulgences that include an oxycotton diversion- but a full body massage at the end and a peaceful few hours sleep rewind me and reanimate me so i am abble to get up and have lunch with him, chicken & rice which he pays for with a sly wink of the eye and the final suck of a frozen margarita no longer able to escape his grasp. his skin is different in the daylight, but still i find him sweet- we part exchanging digits, making meaningless talk- both wondering if the other actually wants to see the other again- it's such a crazy game- a run a round of triumphing over your will by succombing to sexual distraction. lately, i seem to excel at it.
Posted by corekt ( Jan 20 2007, 04:54:04 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Thursday January 18, 2007
Flying spirals of cotton candy imperfection wrap around me and tighten their grip of sacharine sweetness, forcing me to self induce vomitting until i am no longer under it's stickly spell...
...the forceful nature of my own indecency beckons me once again and i find myself alone on a mystery trek, searching out loose tongues, free lips and swaying hips until i can no longer peruse my lustful attractions. i'm walking down the street in the EV making eye contact with cute strangers and sometimes the occassional troll. looking for conection in my constant state of disconnect, looking for fullfillment even as i drain myself dry of anything even remotely resembling reality. 2 months back in NYC. 2 months finding myself lost again. 2 months searching for something i know i will never find. 2 months of heart ache and dissillusionment. 2 months of looking both ways but still crossing against traffic. 2 months of wondering if there is a purpose to all this or should i just cut it short. end with a bang. go out with a blow job and slightly insincere smile. 2 months of searching, seeking, looking, never finding and doing it all over again. 2 months that seem like an eternity in my self made hell. heres lookin at u kid...
Posted by corekt ( Jan 18 2007, 09:39:41 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
$2 tap beers and boys with carefully groomed facial hair distract me tonight as i wind my way through the maze of male specimens at Phoenix, Wednsday nite and all i have to show for it is a drunken stupor escalating into a lustful trance- i'm on the prowl
...AGAIN. Tonight i see things that aren't there and feel things that i really don't want to. losing myself in a saline drip of nocturnal sensation and allowing things to come into my zone that i normally wouldn't. Dan is here, all cute shaggy boy locks cascading into wolverine eyes and howard is here too- sneering lip curled to immaculate perfection and long lean legs encased in mod rocker jeans so fitted i wonder how he breathes. Ludo is here too, and although i can't understand it i find him appealing in a crazy way. we flirt- we spill beers on each other- we make out like banshees on speed- we roll around the pool table- we make fucking stupid spectacles of ourselves and just as howard shoots me that final look of ill contempt i lv with Ludo and trace the steps to his apartment- laughing, stumbling, and fumbling the entire way. we go up the elevator- making out with too much force on his side, thank you, and fall into his place where we rip our clothes off and try to have sex, but he's way too rough and can't get it up anyway- so i pretend to pleasure him, while i stroke myself off and then he pushes me off the bed- landing us both on the floor with an uncomfortable thud until he is literally chewing on my cheek, my forehead- trying to rip my lips off and all i can think of is escaping his place and wondering how i got there in the first place. He giggles behind tightly closed eyes, spread eagle on his bed and i quickly dress, ignoring his pleas to stay and walk out of the place scratching the new bruise on my chin and wondering what exactly i got out of the whole situation besides blowing my load, alone, and getting roughed up by a dude i hardly even know. Stop me somebody- PLEASE.
Posted by corekt ( Jan 18 2007, 09:21:11 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Tuesday January 16, 2007
Urine stained floors and un lacquered nail chips greet the rim of my nose as my face cracks once again against the cold porcelain and i can no longer make out what day it is....
i wake up hours later, the blood dried into an almost abstract pattern on my cheek and the scent of my vomit wafts into my nostrils as i push myself up and away from the incessantly flushing toilet bowl. i look around and remember bits of last night, but can't get the fullpicture. i think his name was ludovic and i kinda remember him wearing a necklace of thick leather rope around his chunky just shaved neck. i met him at a book shop in the ev and we traded stories about the 80's and compared tattoos then the nextthing u know, i'm in his arms, a quick embrace and an even quicker cab ride to his place. there i fall into a pattern i have set as a trap for myself, unable to stop the flow of ecstacy before its too late. i can still taste his moustache as it leaves a stubbled trail across my lips and scratches my ruddy cheeks and sweeps me into bliss. he's nowhere to be seen now and i'm all alone- feeling the blisters rise before they appear and blotting out the rising sun with my cap that dangles perilously over one eye.
Posted by corekt ( Jan 16 2007, 11:36:21 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
I hate gravity...its always pulling me down. Oh right, thats just me doing myself a dis-service...
ok here i go, rambling bout the same old shit, stuck in the same old mire, done & over dis n dat and unable to get a foot in the door known as MY NOT INSANE FUTURE. Im standing on line at the bodega below my crack hotel and i run into a guy from my floor named mookie whos wearing an orange plastic bag fetchingly over his thick cascade of rotted hair. as i pay for my chef bor R D and attempt to lv he starts telling me about how "what i see is beyond your dreaming". Well i look at him and reply "you have an unending capacity for counterfeit astonishment". This puzzles him, so i turn around and head back into my life, avoiding the cracks and nodding hello to the heads and sinking into an oblivion i call peace. The phone rings with empty promises from yet another dList dude and i scratch my butt aimlessly as he trys to make plans for tomorrow nite. I hang up and think about james, about being alone, about relapsing again and again, about the check that still hasnt come which i need to get a laptop which is why i havent been blogging. i fall asleep and wake up at noon- eat a yogurt & take my plague pills, then go back to sleep, wake up at 4- eat a bowl of ghetto loops and go back to sleep, popping two seraquil and losing myself in the chemical ooze of my own dis-content. i wake up at midnite completely disoriented, take a shower and dress in the dark, stumbling down 6 flights of stairs and rolling my wobly ass onto the C. I get downtown in 40 and walk across 14th st, letting the air tweak me awake and the stars in the sky lead my way. I roll into the phoenix and settle into a corner by the pool table, chewing 4 pieces of grape bubble yum and avoiding a beer, but looking at him and him and him until they come over and chew my ear off for 20 minutes until we decide to get outta there and go back to their apartment where they ask me if im into submission and i think they said admission and i say something like "i thought it was free", and then one of them starts taking off my clothes while the other one is tying my hands behind my back with a rather corse rope but for some reason i dont resist and an hour later im blindfolded and someone is sucking me off and someone else is putting a vial of poppers under my nose and this starts to freak me out, but then i feel a splash of warm jizz fly across my chest so i know that everything is about to end. 20 minutes later im back on the steet, walking slowly in the shadows not even realizing that i have ceased to cast one of my own. i have become the living transparency of my own soul and i dont even realize it until its too late.
Posted by corekt ( Jan 16 2007, 09:56:38 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Monday January 15, 2007
Suddenly i find myself actualy attempting to live and have a life, not trapped in the muck of the past that i created myself.
...I'm working again in a place that allows me to shine and be me- i'm taking pictures and doing corekt portraits of all the new people in my life- Brandon, Lindsey, soon Dan...It's as if my past life with James was a dream, albeit one that ended in a nightmare and from which i have finally woken up. It's been 5 months- i haven't seen him, only talked to him once and pretty much thought of him everyday. But lately theres too much going on in my life to stay focused on him and the end of us. I'm going out again- having a social life- manicly dating, seamlessly fucking and endlessly amazed at how i feel myself coming back to life- slowly but surely excited again about the world- loving NYC- rocking the corekt effect and feeling inspiration from a multitude of textures, street scenes and intense vibes. The only thing that holds me together is a new found belief that things can and will get better each day. I'm avoiding my family at all costs and no, i don't feel any guilt. more like relief. the negative shit is being pushed away and in it's place i'm allowing some hope to come in and treat me with a lil bit o kindness and healing peace. However, i am stuck in the distraction of attraction and the band aid it places on my broken, still bleeding heart. Another stray boy, another quick fuck, another lost moment of lustful spontaniety and sore limbs and sticky belly hairs and exhausted libidos. I fuck, therefore i am, right?
Posted by corekt ( Jan 15 2007, 05:16:18 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Monday January 15, 2007
Joey stands me up last nite while i'm flirting with Dan but thinking about James while ogling joe...
...Ozzy calls out of the blue, always to far away 7 too fucking late, as i sit in my room crying in the crack hotel over james, but excited by joeys sudden call, pacified by joes text of support and semi startled by my attraction to Dan. I am stuck in a pattern of distraction caused by attraction and i'm unsettled at best, but hopefully not for long.
Posted by corekt ( Jan 15 2007, 04:56:48 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Monday January 15, 2007
Welcome to the den of my iniquity- a self made almost mess full of coulda woulda shoulda and maybe but not right nows...
well it all started with Joe, an angel that i 13th stepped and then there was martin the mixed boy with a taste for snow white. Jerin was a nerdy decorator who coukld really suck cock and roch was a french canadian w/fierce nordic looks but blacked out sex. Damian and i looked like boris & natasha except boris wants natasha to fuck him up the ass while ozzy was a hot brazilian stud that i fucked in front of 4 people playing nintendo. ed the choclate pimp of voyeristic encounters, after hour binges of naked boys sucking, snorting & spewing....jeff bob was a pseudo bear and it went nowhere, while howard is the brainy bottom boy who licks his honey spoon suggestively. sean is a photographer who i blew while he shot a porn of me and bob was a tourist who kept calling me TATS so i shot my load down his throat in the john. Zaks and Dan are d-list friends that actually were worth it, while Brandon has been the ultimate corekt dude with a sense of peace to his troubled soul...the bearded hairdresser came up with the classic line "Can I suck your cock if i give you a bump" (sweet), while alek the ukranian electro dude kisses me tenderly while whisper what he wants me to shove up his ass. Joe was a brief distraction, a 6 ft 5 bearded boy with a lean frame and a youthful appetite for booze. Then theres adam from Sf who i sucked off in the bijou while Billy the well preserved rocker watches. David is 46, a fucking man and the lay of the century, while charlie is an over eager borderline midget intent on sexual destruction. These are the men of my lives- blending into eacgh other seamlessly while dulling my sences and forcin me to shut down in all ways but the sexual ones.
Posted by corekt ( Jan 15 2007, 04:53:01 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Sunday January 07, 2007
40 guys in 50 days...12 flirtations, 28 hook ups, 3 repeat performances and an over-all feeling of what the fuck am i doing? Sex as a band-aid for a broken heart or easy stimulation to jump start a fresh start?
What i see, is beyond your dreaming.
Friday December 22, 2006
Abiguous boys with flawlerss skin working against their own rich text of form
Friday December 22, 2006
Bangieee boys breaking my balls and looking for an easy way out but never making it easy to get in...
well, my life is actually happening again after a five month lull of self induced exile and never ending self pity masked as a need for sober baby steps and soft cusioned landings from my self destructive falls. boys, men, faggots, hens- each with a special feature, none with a dazzling flaw- all looking for attebntion, only one or two worth getting to know. Hairy daddy man with history rich in my past pulls me into his big strong arms and makes me feel protected for just a bit. French Canadian long haired cutie with nordic cool and funny accent- slightly cheesy christopher st fair only reveals a sliver of questionable taste, but the psycho roommate looking for blow simply has to go- little brazillian cartoonist finally calls- too late and a bunch of other flirtations swirl around me tempting my fate- i choose the choclate pimp to take me on a ride and end up in the arms of a hairy, softly nuzzling spanish slice with corekt entice. then i pass myuself off to another few- choosing them at random and always trying to not confuse my blues with truth. till i come again and look at me, losing my faith but gaining supreme diplomacy.
Posted by corekt ( Dec 22 2006, 03:19:50 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
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Crack-alina-Tina and the Jujubee Express of east Village boys run amock and trying to fill their self made void through vast quantities of unsafe sex, disco dust and counterfeit astonishment...
yesterday was the ex's b'day...the ex who still won't talk to me, the ex that im slowly but surely getting over and trying to erase from my present and tuck somewhere into the memory box of my past. Started my new job at Cafe Rapture- very corekt- the environment is gorgeous, the staff supreme and the management divine! it's so good to work again, it's so good to be happy again, it's so good to be around people that really love me again. Not quite as sober as i should be- had a few relapses but i'm counting days again and looking at things more positively- i cannot hang out in the EV bar scene though anymore- all it does is get me into trouble and put me at odds with my self- self worth, self hate, self discipline, self need. I have been through more boys and a few actual men in the past month and can honestly say i have been a total slut. Some of the dudes are cool- but almost all of them are suffering from something- be it addiction, broken heart, crazy ass neurosis, ocd taken to extreme limits and oh yeah...the sex thing. Since when did "do you wanna bump and can I suck your cock?" become a standard pick up line- I haven't seen this much blow since the 80's and I'm pretty sure that it's time for someone to start an official School for Corekt Blow Job Technique- they would make millions- so many guys just don't get how to do it or are just too ravenous for their own good. So how do i make sense of the strange spectacle my life has begun? I can't- the family is gone for good- x-mas alone but no tears- single and digging it finally at 40 and guess what- so fucking what if the ex won't talk to me- it just might be a blessing in torturous disguise- i know there's something else out there for me- and he was holding me back, as i was him. Each day is a new adventure that i want to swallow whole and if i get a little indigestion from the acid reflux known as life- so what. Better to taste the burning sensation of actually living than not to have lived at all. Time to focus damnit and time to take the time to allow myself a fresh start without the mildew of my past dragging me down. my heart is still broken- i'm still scared shitless and i'm still unsure of everything around me- but i am and will be as fierce as i can. ferocious. free. and finally, slowly, healing and becoming me again.
Posted by corekt ( Dec 21 2006, 06:44:43 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
well- heres my life in a fuckin nutshell that even i'm finding impossible to crack- at least honestly...
been back in nyc for almost a month and made it just a few days past my 90 days sober mark when i RELAPSED. not subtley either- i shot a quick porn vid for this website and the evening escalated into shooting scenes of me jerking off in a public bathroom in this upscale hotel- i got high on coke and drank a bunch o vodka- did my thing and got a stack a cash and went out and got royally trashed. ended up in this fucked up foursome in the Ev that started at Boiler Room (or the second gateway to hell) and fucked up my dog walking job the next day. did the walk of shame all the way to my new place- a cracked out hotel on 155 & st nick that provides temp housing for dudes like me with the plague- it's very Bukowski on Assistance. I'm working construction at this cafe that my interim sponsor is opening then i'll be a coffe & tea dude- it's all good- been struggling with the relapse for two weeks now- only got a few days clean again and something really fucked up happened to my brother- but i'm not going home- i'm not talking to my mom and i'm avoiding my family as if it were a challupa from taco bell tainted with ecoli- been dating a bit- which is wierd, fun, annoying, exciting, tiring and a bit crazy- theres the german decorator dude who can kiss but reminds me of james with more furniture- the columbian cartoonist kid with sparkling eyes- the diesel dude with the biggest cock i've ever seen- the mixed boy with hiv that has a devilish name and kisses like a fucking burning hunk of love- the crazy choclate pimp who sets me up with the amorous brazillian hairy stud that i fucked in front of three other people playing Nintendo- it goes on & on. I 've got a sponsor now- very cool dude who wants me to abstain from sex for the next 90 days- so far it's not working- but i am working IT. Which it is up for discussion. Proceed.
Posted by corekt ( Dec 14 2006, 04:10:49 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
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Wow, that's weird, I could have sworn, I posted you a comment I must really be losing it. Welcome back,dude. Glad to see your back real fast after such a major relapse....that 13 stepping stuff always happens don't worry about it, The first part of you that gets better is from the waist down....just don't catch too much feelings.... Love you Walt, take care!
Posted by Franko (68.46.154.210) on December 14, 2006 at 08:52 PM CST #
Tuesday November 28, 2006
twisting across my own self destructive past, trying to not let the wounds freshly heeled feel the red river of regret again...
as i try to climb out of my own seld made demise, i come to realize that times i was happpiest wallowing in my mayonaise of malaise. i rationed it was something that i needed to go thru- i tried to explain everything away and create a parade of self pity that showered on me like butter in a grand mazola haze. perhaps now that i am trying to set my inner demons free- is there really a way for me to rebirth the hope i need. to believe...in something, anything, but especially myself- building up trust, putting the priorities on a higher shelf. but if in the end i do myself in, at least i know that i've tried even though i quite often enjoyed the sin.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 28 2006, 11:44:44 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Tuesday November 28, 2006
I'm sitting in the rooms, one of many spread thruout nyc and i'm listening to someone share their soul as i try in vain to search for my own...
he's sitting across from me, staring, hard and slightly menacing- like a sex starved ostritch, getting ready to ruffle his feathers, crane his neck and start his approach of seduction at this highly inapropriate moment. I refuse his gaze and try to lock into her- the binges, the break-ups, the bad news, the bitchy mother, the ex best friend, the ultimate break-up, the more ultimate breakthrough, the rebirth of her soul, the bewilderment of her higher power....now he's going overboard, stroking his cock through his jeans, hardly subtle- i must admit, it's making me kinda horny, so i get up and head to the bathroom, locking the door behind me, then unlocking it. a minute passes before it opens and i can hear a a fragment of her soul searching as he squeezes thru the door, shuts it, locks it, looks at me and smiles. i pull my cock out of my pants and turn toward the toilet where i let out a slow, steady stream of piss. he comes behind me and cups my balls with both hands pressing his hard on against my ass and nuzzling my neck with the scratchy sweetness of his unshaved chin. i finish my leak and slowly turn around. when i open my eyes it's a few minutes later and i'm alone in the john, my cock still in my hand, my load now on it's way to a new home in his belly which is sitting back down in the room, unaware of her and the stirring of everyones souls. i sit on the bowl and let my head fall back against the wall, smiling to myself- slightly surreall, slightly serene.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 28 2006, 12:15:01 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
Comments:
See You know what can be cool....lol. I bet sex is actually better then it's been in a while. I'm really happy to see you writing more again! your fierceness
Posted by Franko (68.46.154.210) on November 28, 2006 at 05:26 AM CST #
I sucked on the end of his straw as he pulled his hand out of the back of my pants. Finishing his soda water was as good an excuse as any to put my lips elsewhere, so i pulled him in for a kiss and ended up with more than I bargained for...
...yet another stranger sucking on my cock in a bathroom in a bar that i shouldn't be in in the first place. He's about 30, shaved head, goatee, obviously works out and has a dick thick like a beer can but manageable. I met him about an hour earlier and he noticed that i wasn't drinking liqour and surprise, surprise, neither was he. we talk about everything & nothing, making the typical gay mating call eye contact that seems so easy at times and then the next thing i know he's sliding his hand down my pants and rubbing his finger up and down my hairy crack. We pour ourselves into a tight fitting toilet and he's on my cock like a fly on shit. he pulls his out and i jerk it off for him, but it's all too much apparently and before i can bust my nut he's spooging on the tips of my Adidas shell tops which are already coated with white paint drippings from my construction job. This pisses me off and pull out of his mouth and tuck myself back into my pants as he just twitches and shudders and acts all shy and wierd, so i say C YA and exit the john, the bar, the moment, his saliva still shelacking the tip of my prick and my blue balls grow heavy as they press against the fly of my jeans. i wander off alone, the night suddenly upon me and realize i'm still doing the same shit i did fucked up only now it's less enjoyable because i know what the fuck is going on rather than being in a blitzed black out. No more bar tricks who can't seal the deal. no more strangers on the street no matter how fucking hot they are. No more random hook ups with guys that don't deserve my time or my load. I get home and look at some 22 year old boys unlocked dList pics and jerk off, shooting my jizz against my thigh and collapsing on the floor in disconted relief. i lift my cum soaked fingers to my mouth and lick each one clean, savoring my own spunk as if it's the last drop on earth and thinking about what my ex's load used to taste like and missing him for just one second. then i'm over it, ready for bed and another day. another cock aimed my way. and the choice to accept it or not already made. Or not.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 27 2006, 01:33:04 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
Comments:
I have to say I can relate to your entry and Every encounter at a bar like that has its moments...good and bad...I LIKE your use of words...very THERE....I almost felt like I was there myself hehe...Here's to the release of a fine load...never wasted...Am glad You added me as a friend..feel free to say Hi anytime!
Posted by rain1bow on November 27, 2006 at 10:57 PM CST #
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Backroom bar tricks, Boiler Room temptations, passing glances on the street, boys who think they're men and men who try to be the boys they were...
...i must be back in NYC. It's day 10 of my return and so far i've managed to keep it all together even though the odds keep getting more & more stacked. I'm couch surfing until i find a place which is ok except the old friend i'm staying with is the mother of a four year old and is stressed out of her gord- i know it's not very AA of me to say this, but i wish she'd just smoke a joint and chill the fuck out. My knee is fucking busted and i'm limping around like an old fart, so whats the first job i end up getting? Construction! I've learned how to paint, spackle, power drill, assemble cabinets and a few other new tricks i'm sure will come in handy. my other new job is dogwalking my friends pit bull Henry for an hour each day in willburg, which is really fierce cause she buys me lunch and i can use her computer which means i can BLOG AGAIN! Celebrated my 90 days yesterday- actually spoke at a mting on Saturday which was terrifying but way cool. i move into a hostel on friday, which i'm looking at as an adventure (hopefully) and now it's time to get REAL- I'm a fucking emotional mess who still misses the ex boyfriend who still won't call me back- who is tempting the fate of his sobriety by going to skank ass bars like the Boiler Room and hooking up with random dudes- who spent thanksgiving alone crying all day and then had polish food at Veselka- tempted my sobriety again by watching the Madonna concert at Urge as I sucked down cranberry seltzers extra lime please and avoided eye contact with the freak parade that inevitably comes my way. Then i go back to the Boiler Room where I meet this really cool guy who actually uses words that don't end in exclamation points and knows about art and has dreams that i can relate to and a smile that is sweet and inviting. then i watch him dissapear into the bathroom with a scary troll and wipe his nose upon exiting which is when i exit. It's not just sex i'm looking for or a BF- i'm lonely- i want to hang out with other guys but it seems like i kinda scare people off with my sobriety, or my baggage or my age, or my homelessness and job to jobnness. There are some amazing guys i'm mting in AA but they have their own shit going on and i don't want to seem needy or desperate or starved for affection, attention, direction, but i am. So what I'm realizing is, now that i have said goodbye to my family for the final time and have nowhere to runaway to- i've got to make this work this time- release all my shit- start believing and working my higher power and get over the pity party. James is not coming back- EVER. He won't return my calls and i know that he's moven on. I need to embrace the new part of my life and learn to love myself before i fall into the self destructive patterns of my past. and i need to realize that a quick blow job or hasty make out session, even with the sexiest stranger, is simply putting a patch on a much bigger problem- how do i deal with my life without numbing the pain that comes along with it. We'll just have to wait and see. and pray. and hope. and believe. nuff said-
Posted by corekt ( Nov 27 2006, 11:28:29 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Got off the bus in PA and spent the night with an old ex of mine- this dude that I haven't seen since I was 20...
it was pretty cool- he's got this corekt house in the woods and we just talked and laughed all night. Turns out he's been sober for over 10 years so he loved hearing all about my latest adventure in non-use. I'm 80 days tomorrow- heading back to NYC tonight and really HAPPY to be home. Have no idea what's in store for me but who the fuck cares...nothing could be as bad as the past week and i'm actually starting to feel like a human being again. It's time to grab life by the balls and squeeze it like a mother-fucker. For right now and just for today, I am in a perfect place and everything is cool. Got a problem wit dat? Too bad. I don't anymore :)
Posted by corekt ( Nov 16 2006, 03:12:20 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
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Wednesday November 15, 2006
Here I am on a bus heading to NYC and THANK GOD for wireless internet and fierce, yet strange crazy ladies willing to let me use their Dell laptop...
I escaped in one piece, but i know in my heart i will most likely never see my mom or brother again. at first i freaked and was literally walking towards the highway, when i chickened out, went back home and set up camp in a room at the other end of the house. i called my friend in ny and he asked me if it was a good idea for me to even stay there considering what had gone down. i found out my brother is selling his prescription medication and i have a pretty good hunch that he's using dope again. i brought this up and it escalated into world war four and his girlfriend tried to tell my mom she was afraid i would harm her. fuck that shit. so i called a cab- "borrowed" my moms credit card, headed to greyhound and got on da bus. I have $10 to my name, but so far i've been befriended by two crazy ladies who have fed me today and tonight (yum- bus stop mac-n-cheese, gives me fond memories of running away to Sf when I was a teenager on the bus). i arrive earlier than i thought but an old BF is giving me his couch for the nite. As of friday i will be officially back in NYC, homeless, broke and SO FUCKING HAPPY YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! Thats right- everything is stacked against me- but i haven't picked up and i know in my heart that this is Gods plan for me. So sit back and enjoy the show. There won't be an intermission and this one is gonna play out till D-Day. And I couldn't be more happier if i found the lucky pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Ironically, i think i already have- uh-oh- the battery is about to crap out- thanks lady, sorry i used up all your juice, but sometimes you just have to.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 15 2006, 06:35:13 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Tuesday November 14, 2006
ok things are really getting fucked up- i actually got thrown out of my moms house...
..because my fucked up brother and his self medicating GF had a meltdown with me- but since he drives (how fukt up is dat) he can stay and i have to lv. My mom is sick and needs to get to the doctor, but i can't get a flight out till the 30th and now i have no idea where i'm gonna go- this is beyond dysfunctional family feud- i am now about to be sitting on the side of the road while my fukt up bro takes control and lvs me in the dust. i have nowhere to live in nyc till the 30th so i guess i'll find a cheap ass hotel and drown my sorrows in gatorade till i figure out what to do. all i did was raise a few concerns regarding the fact that both of my moms caretakers are so fukt up on methadone & xanex that they can't really be ALL there for her- but she does the obvious and chooses them over me. I guess this is my last posting for a bit- i'm literally shoving my few belongings into a bag and getting ready to wal to the highway with all of $30 in my pocket. Am i being tested or what? I knew it was over, but i had no idea it would be this soon.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 14 2006, 04:32:32 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
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Walt, I hope nothing bad has happened,I just got home tried to email you through the (SYSTEM) didn't work. anyhow, Talked to the wife about what's going on and if you need a place to stay we woudn't mind...it's like 3 hrs to NYC from here, we may even be able to drive down and getcha, but it's your call....I just hope you haven't already left..if so may gos keep you safe your friend, Franko
Posted by Franko (68.46.154.210) on November 14, 2006
Are you one of the walking dead...
do you wake up and roll out of bed ignoring your morning boner without even giving it a good wank. do you put on your sad sack suit of bland business attire and try to conceal your personality beneath a layer of muted pinstripes. do you line up with the java brigade for your corporate coffee fix. do you go through the day thinking about something, doing nothing, but acting as if you've achieved something. do you go to the gym after work and try to perfect your effect to a degree your told can and will be attainable. do you go to the restuarant that you read about in the glossy magazine that you subscribe to because some troll told you to. do you go home aand walk your lonely mutt who's been cramped up in that apt all day and try to act as if everything is cool & groovy. do you go to the same bar every night where you flirt with the same bartender and try to get someones attention but always go home alone. do you sleep on your 1 million thread count pima cotton sheets and try to sooth your soul in the ignorant bliss of pure 100% cotton. do you wwake up the next day and do it all over again because you think that you have to. do you?
Posted by corekt ( Nov 14 2006, 11:32:06 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Pissed off in general, for no good reason, other than i'm bored, bitchy, broken-hearted and bewidered...
by the craziness that constantly surrounds me. By the people that walk through their lives without paying attention. By the actions that take place in a world where nobody seems to care. By the fact that everywhere I go I keep hearing bits of conversations where people are seriously discussing Paris Hilton as if she was one of their best friends. Is anybody listening? Is anybody watching whats about to happen? Does anyone really care? I'm on line at Mickey D's getting ready to order my fast food attempt at healthy salvation grilled chicken asian salad with Newmans Own sesamee vinagrette dressing when i witness an irate manager eavesdropping on his two front counter pod people as they discuss Paris as if they had just had lunch with her. The conversation is heated, with E news Daily facts and page 6 tidbits being dropped like flies on a pile of manure until he butts in and screams at them to shut up and get back to taking the orders of the masses. this makes me realize that i really don't want an asian salad. i don't know what i want, but when i do it won't come with a packet of Paul Newmans charity dressing. i want people to stop pretending that they are living and to start doing something other than talking about bullshit and i want to not be pissed off anymore over stupid crap like mcD's slaves trolling over La Hilton. Stop me. NOW.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 13 2006, 09:25:23 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
www.caballospeligrosos.bitacoras.com CHECK IT OUT
I'm the featured artist this month and they put up a bunch of my photographs- Enjoy!
Posted by corekt ( Nov 13 2006, 01:33:36 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Monday November 13, 2006
I'm walking on a tightrope of self indulgence, trying not to throw myself into the fire of my own self destructive streak and I have a feeling I might be losing the battle...
...last night I walked to the liqour store in the dark and almost went in and bought a bottle. i sat outside for an hour debating calling someone or just going in and throwing everything i've been working on away. Lucky for me, just as i was about to do it, the store closed, so i walked home cursing myself for not reaching out to someone and for even going their in the first place. I'm masking my feeling by smoking endless cigarettes, indulging in random (but hot) phone sex and losing my mind in TV distraction, as I try to come to terms with what is pushing me so close over the edge. If I can make it through these next 16 days without killing myself by using and ignoring the demands of my overly medicated and fucked up family i'll be alright. but today i'm lost. Can anyone helpm me find myself before it's too late? And can I actually get over my fear of sharing this with my support group so i don't walk back to that liqour store tonight and drown my sorrows in big old bottle of Jack and throw everything i've been working on for the past 76 days away? The ex is on my mind, but his wall of protection against me is breaking down my need to reach out to him. I know that once I get back to NYC i'll be ok, but that is 2 weeks from now. Maybe I should leave early, but i have no place to stay if i do and i don't want to impose on people anymore than i have. I am so pathetic and if i'm as sick of myself as i seem to be i can only imagine what other people must think. so i isolate myself from the world and lose track of time, sleep walking through reality and praying for a last minute reprieve. I've got $20 in my pocket. it's burning a hole. in my soul. in my heart. in my will. in my belief system. in everything. Help....
Posted by corekt ( Nov 13 2006, 01:22:00 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Sunday November 12, 2006
Grape Nuts & Provolone On Italian Bread, toasted, with a pickle on the side...
This is what I found my mother eatting for lunch today and she didn't find it to be the least bit weird. Total wak Job. We went to see Running With Scissors the other night (loved it btw) and all she did was complain that it was nothing like she thought it would be and that the commercials made it seem like a comedy, not a black comedy full of crazy people. Funny, i found it to be extremely remenicent of my own childhood and wanted to point out the similarities between her and Anette Benings charachter, Deirdra, but i knew she wouldn't get it even if she did. I was raised in a house by a RAGE-AHOLIC mother that thought nothing of beating us bare assed with a belt buckle, could cancel Chrismas at a moments notice and turned the other way as my grandpa snuck into my room at 2am everynight and smoked stogies then took me downstairs into the basement to diddle around with my 3 year old self. She once had a nervous breakdown, that she conveniently can't recall, where she spent six months in the same nightgown, chain smoking in bed reading the same Irving Wallace novel (The Seven Minutes) and throwing all the furniture out on the front lawn in between serving us unique variations on Hamburger Helper mixed with Tuna Surprise. She used to throw away my drawings and writings as punishment and told me that since i was adopted nothing i did really mattered anyway. When i was six i was picked up by the police as I tried to walk acrosss the Throgs Neck Bridge. When they asked where I was going I said "anywhere but home". When I was 14 my mother chased me into a closet with a baseball bat and bit me as i tried to escape. when i did, i ran away for the first time to nyc where i went to gay skate night at The Roxy and picked up this below average shmo who gave me my first taste of cocaine and then took me home. while he was asleep, i stole all his money, got a subway back to queens where i called my parents to pick me up at the dunkin donuts on Northern Blvd. and then ordered $50 worth of munchkins & hot choclate for everyone in the store. When my parents pulled up in their mint green Plymouth, my mother got out of the car and calmy said "Fuck the Turkey- Thanksgiving is CANCELED" and then we went to my cousins anyway but I had to sit for 6 hours alone in the car. Why am i going here? Because today i decided that this is my last trip home and the next time i see my mother will be when they are lowering her body into the ground. This way i won't have to listen to her say anything and i can tell her exactly how i feel and not worry about killing her in the process. I'm 75 days sober today and i finally realized i don't ever have to want, need, or expect anything from my nut job family again. I don't have to indulge in their pain parade and i don't have to let them sponge off of my energy and try to return it as a dark cloud of negativity. This is the final goodbye and all i can say is- SEE YA! HAVE A NICE FUCKING DAY & DON'T CALL ME, I'LL CALL YOU...NOT! Nuff Said.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 12 2006, 01:53:25 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Saturday November 11, 2006
Fucking, kissing, licking, fisting, thinking, stinking, twisting, bitching, obliging, repenting, decieving, bewitching....
all of these things come to mind when i think of you and then my mind draws a blank. i'm alone, again, waiting for something that never comes, but i don't really want it to anyway. i look for that thing we had in other eyes and release myself unto other lies, wishing i could clean up your mess and clear my name in the process. but if i regret what i have already done, then i wouldn't be who i am, or what i will become. yes, i've been bad, truly mean, insane and beyond, and everything in between. but as i seek the forgiveness of those in my past, so many fall away, a lame shot rather than a fierce blast. and if i give all i have to someone new, whats left for me...nothing true. so i march to a beat that i can't even hear, hoping for and craving something to hold dear- loving myself was something i didn't think i could do, but falling out of love was the best thing for you. so i give it all up, start fresh, another day. and if it's meant to happen, i'll let it come my way. i think that i can do this, even if i didn't want to, realizing my fate is in my own hands and allowing it to do...what it must and if i might, come clean to myself, i realize is no longer trite. i still dream and wish good things for you, but i can't let what once was, poison my sollitude.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 11 2006, 12:48:56 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
Friday November 10, 2006
My family is so fucked up, then again, whose isn't. Except mine has taken dysfunctional to a whole new level and even makes it seem like an art form...
I'm in the car with my brother and he informs me that he and his girlfriend, both of whom my mother has been supporting, are planning on moving out of the house because he can't deal with her anymore. Yeah, she's a fussy, know it asll bitch, but the lady's been through some serious shit that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. now you gotta understand, my brother & his lady friend are her caretakers and he has powwer of attorney over her estate. He then tells me that my mom is almost broke and theres almost nothing left and it's only gonna get worse. By this point i'm freaking out, not just about the $, but about whose gonna take care of her if they just fuck off and leave? He insists she'll be ok, but i know she won't. i'm lving to come back to NYC on the 30th and i have a feeling that once i leave the shit is going to hit the fan. They're both on fucking methadone, which makes them unable to function properly and neither one of them seems too interested in actually getting a job and working instead of living off of my moms savings. I don't think they're trying to rob her blind, but i do think they are allowing their lazy asses to live off the fat of my mommas land. At least my brother has an excuse- he's got hep C and emphasyma, so he's hooked up to oxygen and taking a shit load of drugs. but she could go do something, anything, instead of sitting around trying to look busy. i can't drive and i'm not the best handy-man, so me staying down here and becoming her caretaker won't really work. I'm trying to convince her to go into some sort of assisted living situation, but she's stubborn at best on this subject. I'm just afraid i'm gonna leave and find out that they've sold her house and stuck her in some crazy nursing home situation. i have no clue what to do, but i also realize i'm powerless unless she gives me power of attorney, which i don't think i could really handle properly anywway. I feel as if my family is disentegrating in front of my eyes and there's a really fucked up part of me that kinda feels like letting it. How I'm staying sober through all this is beyond me- if it weren't for my friend joe i think i might have lost it by now. oh well- there's nothing i can do but try to help, do my best and sit back & watch the car wreak of my family crash into it's final accident. Survivors? maybe, but i doubt anyone will walk away from this one in one piece.
Thursday November 09, 2006
I'm walking thru my life in a self induced glaze of contentment...when in reality i want to rip the mother fucker to shreds...
i am feeling everything right now as if it is a scorpions needle stuck in my heart- no escape from what i've done or where i'll end up. I slow down on the street only to meet his glance and as i look back he's already fondling something in his pants- i try to smile, but i know where this is going- and i'd rather be a whore if i'm the one doing the blowing- but he stops and stares- it goes right thru me and all i can think of is Klaus Nomi- days of Mudd Club long gone by, when the most sinister thing was a sonic cry. i weep for friends long since gone, but i prevail, the virus not allowed to take my final curtain call. I wish for more but hope for less, always stuck in my self made mess. And the one i want is distracted at best- saving my soul, but keeping me at a safe distance- so i plot the hours and schedule the days until i finally meet my eternal malaise. reeking of self gratification in the hands of strangers unknown, i kiss the wind before it's blown. If i were you and you were me, would you trade places? irresponsibly? That's the fact, the treasure true- i'm always feeling bitter, while you simply chalk it all up to being blue.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 09 2006, 10:09:01 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Thursday November 09, 2006
This woman walked past me today and for some reason turned around and smiled at me, so i smiled back...
little did i know this would result in an hour long conversation where I was lucky if i got 2 words in. She told me that i resembeled her son who had been killed in Iraq and wondered if anybody had ever told me i looked like someone else before. well, yes actually. back when i was hustling, a guy called me up and asked me to come on the bus from San Francisco to Sacramento and would pay me $150 for each hour of my time. i had no idea what he wanted, but at that point i was so desperate for $ to feed my addiction i figured why the fuck not. He met me at the bus station and it was obvious he was pretty sick- looked like advanced AIDS and after a breif discussion back at his house i found out i was right. he wanted me to put on a military uniform, which fit me perfectly and i assumed we wre gonna get into some kind of kinky role playing shit- instead he told me that my description of myself in my ad perfectly matched that of his boyfriend whom had just died a year earlier from the virus. instead of sex, he had me spend 3 hours sitting and talking to him, then eatting a beautifully prepared dinner, all in his departed lovers uniform with me pretending to be him. When i left i realized howw sad he was and i didn't want to take the money but he insisted. he told me how happy i had made him and that for a few hours it was as if his boyfriend was still alive and back in his life. so as this mystery woman droned on and on to me about her dead son, i held her hand and let her weep on my shoulder, feeling grateful for the blessings i still have in my life and hoping i could give her a bit of comfort. Strange days indeed, but that's the way my life seems to be- one weird day at a time.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 09 2006, 03:42:41 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
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yo, you managed to get tears streaming down my face with that one. I was seriously trying NOT to comment on your blogs, but I can't help it....beautiful, beautiful
Posted by Franko on November 09, 2006 at 06:30 PM CST Website: http://www.dlist.com/hotrodbod #
Wednesday November 08, 2006
My ex- basically hates me and wants nothing to do with me...
...i'm trying so hard to let go, but i can't. i think of him and it kills me- i know we were toxic and my addiction was the final straww, but why can't he reach out to me and try to still be my friend? why was he with me for 5 years? was it just a faux relationship, wwhile he slummed it wwith my bad boy lifestyle and tried to get over his own insecurities and inability to make friends? who knows. why do i care- why is this hurting so much- what can i do- i'm tired of crying myself to sleep- i need help- i need closure- i need not to pick up- but i don't want to feel all this- i want to be rid of it, but it eats at me like cancer and i can't let go- why do i still love him? am i completely pathetic?
Posted by corekt ( Nov 08 2006, 11:20:28 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Wednesday November 08, 2006
Punching holes into the wall may not be the best therapy, but it certainly got me through dealing with my crazy, fucked up, multi-dysfunctional family tonight...
...my brother & his girlfriend are on methadone, xanex, lexapro aand a slew of other drugs to treat their addiction, depression and my bro's Hep C. This leaves them in an incapacitated state by the middle of the day, literally drooling, nodding out and barely able to function. my mom is on heavy doses of morphine, which by the end of the day leaves her bedridden and prone to uttering crazy pronouncements that she spews forth as factual fiction. Crazy shit that she reads on perezhilton.com and thinks is true or wwierd predictions of everyones soon to be demise that she constantly worries about. now you gotta understand, the only reason i'm down here in florida with my family is to help take care of them for a bit because everyone is currently so dysfunctional i was worried that my mom wasn't getting the proper care. but at the same time, i'm surrounded by all these tempting drugs while i am now 71 days sober and trying really hard not succomb to temptation. my brother was a major heroin addict since he was 12 and has only been clean for the past 7 years. but clean on methadone, which to me is just another form of the same high he was on and really isn't being sober. we've had issues with this and i try to be understanding, but i'm doing my sobriety cold turkey, nothing but my new cigarette habit (which disgusts me) to take off the edge, while him and his girlfriend spend the majority of the day zoned out and looking high as kites. I've got 21 more days to go till i come back to NYC and to tell you the truth the pressure of being around them and their mood stabilizers is starting to make me a bit stir crazy. I'm starting to crave, not getting to enough meetings and i don't have a sponsor yet. i've been relying on my friend joe to get me through it with his fierce support & wisdom, but he's got his own life and i kind of feel like i'm starting to be a burden on him with my constant calls for help. my family is like poison- i love them and i know they love me, but it's like their pod people, replaced by body snatchers and stuck in a rut of hiding in the house, smoking themselves to death and watching way too much TV. They're supportive of me getting clean, but i don't think they get how much their actions are starting to get to me. I think i'll be able to make it till i get home, but i'm starting to resent them for their crutches they use to keep from doing the hard drugs they were addicted to, while i have nothing but my faith, will power and belief in my higher power to get me by. tonight was close- my mom started in on me for no reason and after all the fucked up shit she did to me as a kid, i almost felt like dropping the bomb on her about my grandfather fucking with me when i was a kid and putting the final nail in her coffin- how fucked up is that? But i didn't do it, i walked away, but i really wanted to take a bunch of her morphine and just space the fuck out and not feel anything that i'm feeling. i didn't, but the temptation grows. i'm afraid they're gonna push me over the edge and it's kinda scaring me. i might have to cut this trip short, but i really can't. AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Well, thanks for letting me vent and for tonight everything is ok. i'm just worried about tomorrow.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 08 2006, 07:59:36 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Wednesday November 08, 2006
People, Place & Things. Sounds simple, right? Well it isn't and I'm realizing that when I get back to NYC at the end of the month my life is going to be radically different...
...No more barhopping and working every last connection for an endless supply of drinks. No more friends stuck in the mire of their addiction, not even the functional ones. No more going to places that I frequented with the ex, not because i'm afraid of running into him, but i'm afraid of getting emotional because i'm no longer going there with him. No more cruising for crazy ass one hour stands in places that i wouldn't go to unless i was really fucked up (hellloooo 4th St. cinema) and no more pity party for the life i used to have and am starting to realize i don't really miss. I still don't know where i'm living, but i did find a hostel in Williamsburg that might be promising. I am building a support group of sober friends who don't act as if not using is a death sentance. and i am actually looking forward to going to as many meetings as i can , because i know without them, i'll get back into my negative shell and end up using again simply to numb myself from everything thaat i actually need to be feeling. And no more falling in love in five minutes or going home with guys that are trying to pick me up but don't even offer their last name. it's time to treat myself better, set up healthy boundaries and take a stab at this new way of life. today, i think i can do it. tomorrowws another story, but for today i'm sober, in a semi good mood and thankful for another chance at life even if it's not the life i thought i was going to have. anything is possible- as long as i don't use. it may seem boring to some of you out there, but trust me, it's alot better than dying and these days, i actually want to live and remember what i'm living through wwithout the black outs, themysterious cum stains or the broken relationships. nuff said.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 08 2006, 04:12:59 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
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Tuesday November 07, 2006
Fugly, Freaky, Gnarly funky assed trolls seem to be crawling out of the woodwork and everywhere i look it's as if an episode of The Twilight Zone has morphed with Village of the Damned and Invasion of the Body Snatchers...
...how does one put a stop to the beyonder beastlieness that has infested the masses as they ignore everything actually going on in the world and instead search for their 15 seconds of fame and the perfect fitting jean? I'm on line at Starbucks in a Target located smack in the middle of bum fuck Fla. (sorry floridians but unless you're in miami, Tampa or The Magic fucking Kingdom, Fla. is nothing but endless strip malls, cranky crocodiles, impatient old folk waiting to croak and an unbelievable ammount of counterfeit astonishment masking a haze of ignorant bliss). There are 2 counter kids to serve a line of java junkies growing perilously long by the minute and they aint exactly working on speed dial. There is a lady in the front dressed in an eggplant stretchy dress that resembles a vintage 80's legwarmer that she has unsuccessfully tried to pull over her massive tits and frame. Her hair is cornrowed not unlike bo derek but hardly scoring a perfect 10. Behind her is a family of six all dressed in Harley Davidson apparrel and cowboy hats and the dad is losing his patience with eggplant lady who clearly couldn't give a fuck as she decides between a non fat iced mocha or a green tea frap. suddenly, everyones attention is diverted to the front entrance where another family of four in bred looking pumpkin patch people are being detained by a lone security guard who wears a look of befuddled amusement on his sun stroked and tired face as the security alarm screams for attention. Eggplant lady finally settles on an iced coffee then proceeds to the condiment counter where she pours over 20 packets of sugar in the raw into her drink. The Harley family order 6 vente java chip fraps with extra whip cream which sends the 2 counter kids into a freaked out tizzy of confusion, but i'm too busy staring at a well dressed midget in his late 70's who has just walked into the store escorting an unbelievably botoxed blonde hottie through this surreal beauty pageant we call life. The police arrive and start interogating the farkle family until finally the littlest one is forced to pull a bratz doll out from under her skirt and the parents freak out on the kid while the cops give each other knowing looks. the line behind me is now over 20 people long and the 2 counter kids are getting a glazed, crazy look in their eyes as they try to get the six vente fraps together. I decide that i can't contribute to corporate coffee culture and sit down at a vacant table and suck the rest of the scene in, laughing to myself as i surmise the sheer absurdity of life and how desperate people have become for an overpriced coffee fix to get them through their fast food fashion shopping experience. I get up after awhile and leave, but not until eggplant lady has made her return, claiming to have spilled her iced coffee and demanding a free refill. the 2 counter kids are speechless but i know just what to say as i saunter past her and whisper just loud enough for her to hear..."hey lady, why don't you try that act out in Vegas, cause it sure ain't gonna fly here", and she turns around and shoots me a look but i smile at her and whistle to myself just as the midget and the botox babe are leaaving the store in search of better bargains in the discount basement of life.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 07 2006, 11:42:20 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Her flat, oval shaped ass looms in front of me, encased in a pair of high waisted, almost acid wash jeans that actually appear to be dry cleaned and then ironed again at home to ensure that oh so perfect pleat....
bitch will not shut up. i am waiting on line at a store called "Goin' Postal" (i kid u not) and high waisted jeans lady is debating whether or not she should use priority mail or cheap out and do media mail. my mind goes numb and i find myself lighting up a cigarette and blowing the smoke right at her, hopefully thru her. the counter girl smiles at me and looks at my inked arms and smiles again, as i blow plume after plume of smoke. bitch turns around and says something like "it's against the law to smoke in here", so i blow another round of smoke in her face and tell her it's against the law to wear jeans that make you look like a pear caught in a blender. i push past her, drop my two envelopes on the counter, plop down a five and tell the counter girl to keep the change. bitch tries to stand in my way as i turn around to leave, so i pick her up (big ass, but lightweight bitch)and place her a foot or so away from me as she huffs & puffs and tries to blow my house down. not today lady. i'm cranky. i'm tired. i'm sober. and i ain't about to put up with anybody's shit no matter how sweet it might be smelling. i flick my cigarette out the door as i exit and never look back, preferring to remember the look on her face as i left her- confused, freaked the fuck out and seriously pissed. i would be to if i had to wear those pants. get your ass to target bitch and pick up something thats at least trying to be current. nuff said, over-n-out.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 06 2006, 11:50:24 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Sunday November 05, 2006
The shit is about to hit the fucking fan...there's only so much a person can actually take before they completely lose it and i'm getting very close to just chucking this whole sobriety and changing my life thing...
everything is actually going good- i'm moving into a new apartment in williamsburg in less than a month. i have a new job at my friends soon to open cafe. i'm getting a bunch of freelance fashion work that's so easy for me that i could do it in my sleep. i have a few really amazing friends that have stuck by me even though i've done everything possible to push them away. my hiv is in check and my t-cells are the highest they've ever been. there's this cool dude G1 using my photographs for his site and i'm finally starting to get a bit of exposure- so why am i so fucking wrecked? why can't i just be happy and move on? why am i feeling all this shit at a time in my life when i can't just smoke a joint and make it all go away? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY? 69 days sober and i am a raw, open, bleeding, wounded man stuck in the mire of my past and unable to shake the demons that are desperately trying to drag me back down again. all this pressure to stay clean, go to meetings, reach out and talk to someone just isn't cutting it today. i want my old life back, even though it was shit. i want my boyfriend back even though he thinks i'm a piece of shit. i want to be able to erase all the havoc i've caused even though the mess has taken me to a better place. yes i'm sober, but i'm lonely. i'm hurting so bad right now that if there was something to drink, or smoke (besides the 2 packs of cigs i've already gone thru today)or shoot, i would. i'm that fucked up. nothing seems to be helping- NOTHING. but i've got to go thru it. i've got to feel all the pain back that i inflicted on others, especially james. i've got to understand and realize and make ammends for the shiteousness of my past actions and take responsibility for once and for all. but right now it sucks. HARD. and there's nothing anyone can do to help me. this time i have to learn how to help myself. just do me a favor- tell me to shut the fuck up and get off the pity pot. i caused all this so i have to fix it. even if it hurts so bad that i feel like i'm dying. maybe i have. i killed the old me in just 24 hours. i killed a 5 year relationship with the most beautiful, gentle and caring man i have ever been blessed to have in my life. now i have to kill this pain. one day at a time. one tear at a time. one lonely night at a time.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 05 2006, 10:28:12 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Remember your first fuck? That moment you waited for and practically counted the days, minutes & seconds until it came in your face?
When I was 14 I had a summer job as an assistant designer at a 7th Ave. dress house called Jack Mulqueen. I got the job because I had seen one of their ads in the sunday Times magazine and on a whim sent some of my sketches to them. Jack was impressed by them and invited my parents and I to come in and spend a few hours checking it all out. i think he was more impressed with my chutzpah than my rather crude sketches, because when he asked me what i wanted to do for a career, i said "work for you", so he promptly offered me a summer job. I had been sketching clothes & shoes since I was 5, mostly copying things out of the Sears Wishbook, but never really shared them with anyone but my mom. She must have sensed something and spent hours after school with me teaching me how to draw and we would come up with entire collections to wear in her imaginary wardrobe. My parents were pleasantly thrilled with the job proposition and allowed me to take the Long Island Railroad into the city by myself and go to work. This was when my life truly began. Going into the city everyday gave me the luxury of hanging out there everyday after work. I would cruise out at 5 on the dot and walk down 7th Ave., not stopping till i hit Christopher St. I knew that this was where i belonged because everywhere i looked there were gay people and i could not get enough. It was the first time I had even seen another gay person and it was also the first time i was propositioned, mostly by older gentleman that i was soon to find out practiced some rather ungentlemanly sexual habits. I finally fucked around for the first time about 3 weeks into my summer gig. It was a saturday and i haad just gotten out of a fashion illustration class i was taking at Parsons that the company was gracious enough to pay for. I headed towards the East Village, tripping out on stores like Black Market, Batislavia, the original Pat Fields and my favorite, Trash & Vaudeville. There you could buy skinny black jeans like Joey Ramone wore and Siousie & The Banshees t-shirts with safety pins already stuck in them. It was heaven. The guy I hooked up with and lost my virginity to was a spiky haired punk boy named jessie that worked as a sales clerk, but mostly smoked cigarettes on the stoop out front. He was over 6 feet tall and skinnier than me. I asked him about a pair of creepers i had been eyeing when i noticed him looking straight at my crotch which was spoorting a rather obvious woody. He took my arm and dragged me into one of the fitting rooms, closed the leopard print curtains and started to unzip my pants. Before I knew it we were both standing their with our pants down and he spun me around, spit on his cock and shoved it with much force up my extremely tight asshole. No lube, no foreplay, no nothing. He just rammed it the fuck in me, jerking my head around and kissed me so hard i thought he was going to extract my gold fillings. When he came, i felt his jizz seep out of my hole as he pulled his cock out of me, wiped it clean with the bottom of his shirt and told me that i was the best fuck he had had in ages. i'm glad he enjoyed it, cause i thought for sure i was about to split open in two and bleed all over the place. I turned around and tried to kiss him again but he was already pulling up his pants. he looked at me and winked, said thanks and left me alone in the fitting room, my pants around my knees, my dick hard in my hand and my balls ready to explode. Fuck that shit i thought, so i jerked off until i came all over the mirror in front of me, shaking the last bits of cum off my cock and letting them splatter across the toes of my severely broken in converse hi-tops. I pulled myself together and left the store as quick as i could, but on the way out i snagged a handful of rubber Maripol Madonna bracelets that i wore to work the next day, explaining to each person that complimented me on them that they were a gift from a made up aunt that i had invented and who was a bartender at danceteria and knew Madonna personally. Everyone was impressed and my ass hurt for days. i promised myself that the next time would be better. and trust me, it was.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 05 2006, 05:49:44 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Saturday November 04, 2006
I should have seen it coming, but sometimes i prefer to look the other way. He had just pulled off my pants and was trying to flip me over, but i wasn't having it. "What's wrong? I thought you were gonna be my hungry bitch bottom." First off, i ain't...
nobody's "hungry bitch bottom" i thought to myself as i adjusted my eyes in his candle lit room and realized he was about to try and mount me without even putting on a condom. or asking if i even cared. he just assumed. I got up off the bed and started to look for the rest of my clothes, but he wasn't having it and pushed me back down on the mattress wwith just a little too much force for it to even be slightly sexy. "You're poz, aren't you?" yes, i thought to myself, i have the virus and i remembered us discussing it earlier in the evening when he asked what the white pill was that i had just popped and watched his face turn from eager to dissapointment when i said it was my Viramune and he said he was hoping i had E. Too late dude- shoulda hit me up a few years ago when i popped E like asprin and thought that the only alternative to not being high on E was to be royally stoned, crazily coked up or that good lod standby, awesomely alcoholized. He snaps me back into reality by rubbing his now big hard cock within inches of my face and announces "I'm poz too, so we shouldn't have a problem. Right?" Wrong. This was becoming the story of my life. everyone i run into lately assumes that it's ok for two poz guys to fuck without condoms, even though the chances of cross infection have been known for quite awhile. I get dressed and leave as i vaguely hear him calling me to come back, PLEASE, until he figures it out that i'm not and hear a bellowwing PUSSY shouted behind my back as i walk out of his apartment and back into my life. I've been pretty open about my HIV status ever since i first contracted it back in 1999. never really gave it a second thought. but still, i'm sometimes shocked, slightly amazed at the reaction it gets out of people, be they old friends, new aquaintences, possible fuck buddies or just the ordinary folk that pass thru your life even if it's only for a few minutes of your day. I was with an amazing guy for 5 years who never really freaked out about it. welllll....he wouldn't suck my dick if their was any pre-cum and since i'm a leaker that meant that blow jobs were few and far inbetwween. what about using a condom, you're thinking? never really worked for us, so he was on the recieveing end of one long fabulous five year blow job while i satisfied myself to the best of my ever expanding ability. sex with him was so much more than just sucking cock or getting fucked anyway- he was the only guy i had ever been with who actually made love to me and didn't just force my face into a pillow or try to do it in strange places like parking lots without cars in 20 below weather. I've been single now a little over two months and most of my hook ups with the exception of one have been pretty random, getting off to get off witout any spiritual, emotional, or expectationol ties at all. I let them all know up front that i'm poz and for the most part it's ok. i think it even excites some guys more, like whew-hew, i'm gonna take a walk on the wild side. i mean c'mon, if you really wanna slum it then go fuck some troll you just met on manhunt because me and my little friend HIV are not gonna give a lou reed lyrical memory and i ain't about to bareback with anyone, no matter how tempting their ass might be. alot of the younger guys that hit on me now don't even seemed concerned about the virus. i try to talk to them about it but it goes right over their head. i guess if you haven't had half your friends die before you turned 40, it might be a pretty far out idea. but i can't take those risks, not in my life. i can't risk fucking someone else up all because i was careless and had unsafe sex while high as a kite and let some guy shoot his load up my ass knowing full well how dangerous it was. so noww i live with my pills, twice a day, blood every other month and 15 minute doctor sessions where they marvel at how high my t-cells are and how great it is that my viral load is STILL undetectable. i often forget that i even have HIV, sometimes going weeks without it ever entering my mind. but something always brings it back to haunt me- whether disclosing to a possible sex partner, educating someone i just met about where to go and get tested, worrying if a sudden cold is really something else, looking at HIV med ads where people are dancing around with paintbrushes and wondering why i don't feel like that and then dealing with my mother wwho is in a constant state of worry and dismay about when, if and how i'm finally going to succomb and drop dead on her. So far so good though- so instead of letting the virus run my life- i run my life with the virus as just one of the many complex and crazy ingredients that make up me. i can educate where i can, i can practice safe sex when i can and i can open myself up to a world of possibilities that a few months ago i truly believede were out of my reach. each new sober day gives me another reason to count my blessings and AIDS is one of them. I look at it as a peculiar gift from God that has opened my eyes to things that were wrong and not working for me and by doing the best i can and living and being present, i can maybe, hopefully help someone, anyone going through or about to go through what i did. that's really all i have left to give. i've given away so much of myself in 27 years of addiction that now i have to be selfish, but in a good way. the only thing i can offer is unconditional love, serious support and the tools that i have been blessed with over the past two months that are helping me and just might help save another person as well. HIV is not my curse- in a way, it's helped me to achieve my cure. and even if it does catch up and kill me one day, at least i will no longer be afraid of death. I've died a dozen times already, this time, i'm ready for my close-up.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 04 2006, 01:47:43 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Friday November 03, 2006
OK here's the dealio...it's friday night- i'm stuck in fla. and i'm going out of my mind...
yes, for the usual reasons. i want to get fucked up. i can't. i want to get in a car and drive somewhere far away. I don't drive. I want to smoke another cigarette. i won't. I want my ex-boyfriend to pick up the fucking phone and call me and tell me he still loves me, all is forgiven, when am i coming home. Never Gonna happen. I'm stuck feeling all this shit and i'm just gonna have to sit it out, feel all the pain and try to go to sleep without missing him and everything about him that I can't seem to get out of my mind. I'm tired of sleeping alone. I'm lonely and i want to reach out to someone, but all my friends are either busy or bored with my self pity. Christ, you'd think i would be to by now. but the fact is, James, i still love you. i miss the way you kissed me, the way you held me all nite, the pictures you drew in my trip book and the inordinate ammount of time you spent getting ready in the bathroom. i'm half the man i was without you and i wish i could make you see how much i've changed, how much i'm changing and how much more i will continue to change. the one thing thaat hasn't changed however is how much i miss & love you and how much i hate myself for what i did to you/us. maybe you'll never forgive me. maybe i don't deserve it. maybe i'm a fool for still being in love with you. i have no fucking clue at this point. so i'm gonna go smoke a cigarette- watch some crap cable and do everything i can to stop thinking of you. is it gonna work? i doubt it.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 03 2006, 11:49:26 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Friday November 03, 2006
i've been spitting up chunks of bloody flesh and gobs of red spew for about an hour now- lving basquiat homages on paper towels and empty Sharpie boxes, my fresh drip dried blood spit out of my mouth in sheer shock & amazement...
maybe i need to go and wake up my brother- did something rupture in my stomach or in my throat that is causing the endless flood of my blood? i keep spitting up loogies of red tinged mucus trickled with tar from my sobroety smoking situation involving half a pack a day of camel lights or whatever i can get my fuckin hands on. lindsey called tonight and gave me the good news of an apartment to live in come dec. 1st. she just kicked out her roomie and i will be taking over by paying utilities and groceries. i'll also have dog walking duty as i am now going to be sharing my life with a rescue doggie mix pit bull named henry who thankfully loves me and likes to spit allover my face with doggie kisses. yes i'm moving in with a neurotic, sccessories afflicted whiny white girl with fierce super vixen undertones and 8 yrs sober under her belt. makes ny 68 days seem like nothing- but that was the deal, if i stayed sober i could move in. i love my new neighborhood- 1 stop off the L into bklyn on bedford and i couldn't be happier. i'll be starting my new life where anything is possible & anything goes. i'm even posing nude for butt magazine, my fave!- yes it's time for a new me- not hung up on the past- embracing memories of love gone wrong, but knowing that by allowing freedom, he may fly back some day again, soon. i spit up a clear substance the blood flow since stopped, a calm in my stomach, but a burning deep down in my throat.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 03 2006, 12:21:35 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Thursday November 02, 2006
I fucked around for the 1st time about 3 weeks into summer. it was on a saturday after i had gotten out of an illustration class at Parsons . I had been walking around the east village, tripping out on stores like Pat Field & Black Mkt & wishing I had...
more than just the 5$ in my pocket.Especially when i get to trash & vaudeville on St. Marks where you could but tight black jeans like joey ramone wore or buy siousie sioux t-shirts with matching pins. The guy i hooked up with and lost my virginity to was a spikey hair punk named jessie that worked as a sales associate in the shop. He was 6 ft tall & skinny like me. We did it in the back of the store in a fitting room where he fucked me up the ass with no lube,no nothin...just jammed it the fuck inme and then reached around & kissed me so hard i thought i was gonna extract the gold fillings from his teeth. when he came i felt his jizz seep out of my ass as he pulled his cock out of me, but when i reached around to kiss him back he's already pulling up his pants. he said thanks, good bye and left me stranded in the cramped fitting room with my dick in my hands and hella blue balls fuck that i thought as i jerk off all alone and come with a slow silent fury spilling upon the tips of my converse hi tops supremes and the rest upon my mirrored reflection on the dressing room mirror...
Posted by corekt ( Nov 02 2006, 10:45:53 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
check out http://caballospeligrosos.bitacoras.com
it's my friend G1's web-site and he used one of my photographs to illustrate a new story- fierce site- lots of great uber gay visuals and good olde dirty but well art directed porn with some corekt text- enjoy all
Posted by corekt ( Nov 02 2006, 06:08:01 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
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Thursday November 02, 2006
The whole notion of online cyber sex photo plagerism amuses me to no end...I mean how genius that now you have to safeguard your on-line image because some troll in cyber sex space might steal your identity...
it's all injured superhero fab and i love i-spy element on someone stealing your sexy pics and taking on your hidden only open to certain members all in yer glory sexual superstar identity. tom cruise could do the next mission impossible movie with this as the theme- terrorism by theft of your naughty picture bits...oh my! so then maybe christian bale could be cast as the villain whom wants to assume the identity of Michael Lucas and live a virtual other life of porn star proportions- ok maybe not- daydreaming here- thinking about nothing but it seems so desperately important in my mind- gotta let that feeling slide- down along and so far away, helping me to break away.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 02 2006, 04:25:26 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
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Thursday November 02, 2006
Ironic Chic, sarcastic style, sophista-kitsch, committment to the sub-culture, bold 80's style swipes of Alaia & Versace goddesses....
those 80's girls were big sometimes- rCrumb & russ Meyer-esque vixens that always had a groovy raquel welch in 1 million yrs bc way. Rachel Williams was the blonde amazonian in the famous absolut ad of her in a silver mini by david cameron (hot designer bad boy at the time) & shot by legendary style sampler Steven Meisel. it's still an image that not only resonates today, but holds up in terms of fierce attitude taken to true couture photo heights. Rachel used to come into the gallery i managed on e 12th st and grace me with fierce prescence. her ex-girlfriend Alice Temple was a very early old friend and model of mine at the start of my styling/photo career back in 1984- fierce year for so many things- the breakout punk rock chic of Stephen Sprouses siousie sonic backed ready to couture- clubs like danceteria & pizza-a go-go- girls like audrey the bartender who was the first cool scene girl with a mowhawk & a hot girlfriend- old friends like kate schellenbach who was the beasties original drummer only to be canned when they hopped on the frat boy hip hop thang- we would sit at the bar and cause so much trouble- one night drunkenly discovering that the bar stool covers made excellent saucer shaped black vinyl wanna be 50's dior corektness. i'm working on a style report for an online fashion forcasting company. they want to know whats new & hot and make us have phoned in with 10 other people confrence calls called mineshifts wear we plumb our alternative depths and struggle to bring new meaning to old style statements recycled to the point of ad nauseum and i realize why i'm glad i'm not a fashion editor anymore. i don't write about skirt lengths and the fabulous use of metallics mixed with rusatic whatever the fuck. now i blog my heart till it bleeds and lay myself as bare as i possibly can, hoping to heal myself on a public cross where my wounds slowly dissapear and my days become more like blessings and less like binges into self pity & self shame & self humiliation- but then i release it and i think about my future and thank god for a second chance to try and get it right this time, regardless if the love of my life comes back to me or not. the point is- i'll get on. one day at a time- a little bit better- slowly mending overtime.
http://caballospeligrosos.bitacoras.com
check it out- one of my photographs got used on this cool fag site- holla! thanks again G1
Posted by corekt ( Nov 02 2006, 01:51:00 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
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Thursday November 02, 2006
i know he's been with another man...i know he's been playing round with another man. i know he don't hear my sound no more no more...
and my heart is breakin for all to see. i reach out but u ignore, i'm a rememberance past a temporary whore at best my dear. and what i took i take out in trade, returning ill gotten favors and speaking out of turn at best. i get a the jitters, the whole world to see, evaporating into layers, sheer terror mixed with sweet empathy. and i pine for a boy who is out of my bounds, wounded and hurt, quite hunt down. i offer my grace a load of love and peace for eternity, wishing u were back in my life- a esctatic epiphany. love me hard, make my heart bleed for the tear of your missing is deeeper than i could ever care.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 02 2006, 01:23:22 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Wednesday November 01, 2006
Licking mister arm pit man while fucking mister right- semen traces & random erections- i find myself rich in the cum of total strangers....
...status single. i've arrived. a sex splattered sensation masquerading as a man. lived it up and told the lie. acted out. took my share. never to profit off love gone wrong, but prone to the melodrama that accompanies the malaise. and what i see, is neither wrong nor right. i'm just looking, brother, could ya spare a light.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 01 2006, 10:19:57 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
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Now I'm Intrigued
Posted by Franko (68.46.154.210) on November 01, 2006 at 10:34 PM CST Website: http://you know #
so he's 20 years old and persistently IMing me and the attention gene spazzes out and i try to conquer my loneliness with harmless flirting and ever so slight sexual intrigue...
i'll show u mine if u show me yours. did i even really say that. ask and they do dude. not a bad sight either- hot young cock in a perfect erect state. so i send back mine and we trade IM's that grow a lil bit mo flirtier each time- cute kid- is he really 20 or even younger and faking it like i did from the time i was 14 and figured outhow to work all the hot daddys i lusted for instead of the trolls i was likely to attract. i like the ttention- it lifts me up a bit but it's only temporary- getting hit on from right & left by the wildest assortment of men because of this whole cyber mind fuck web zone of lustful horny humpers out to take as much of their share of ass as they can. mister man. take it as i give it and want it when get it. suppossed fiction forming flash- super beams & freak attacks. zooming, careening, going full throttle into the unknown and taking a break from multiple relationship zone i know too well. suddenly single, suddenly free- to explore several more of lifes atrocities.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 01 2006, 09:01:31 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
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Wednesday November 01, 2006
Killing time without killing brain cells, so i find myself glued to Montel paternity tests on the tube, defrosting chop meat leaking cow blood onto the counter and wait for a phone call from him that never comes...
alright, yes, i'm bored. i'm uninspired. i'm cranky. i'm horny as fuck. i'm 66 days sober. i wanna get stoned. i wanna smoke a big, fat blunt selfishly until even a roach pick will not do it justice and i have numbed every part of body that feels. feels for him. feels the pain of my mother who feels the pain of my fathers death who felt the pain of the cancer eatting every last shred of his dignity. i feel the pain of my brother who is swollen up like an over ripe tomato and walks through the house on a cane allowing the hep c that is ravaging his liver to mingle with the side effects of the methadone that has kept him off dope for 8 years but provides another crutch i'm not sure he bargained for. i feel the pain of his girlfriend who tries to get through the day without thinking about her dead daughter who was killed when their car flipped and her son who calls her dangerous and chooses to live with his suppossedly christian father who hides behind a mask of self righteousness and superiority. i feel the pain that i caused my ex by ruining our five years together with the train wreck of my addiction and i feel the dissapointment of not having him in my life as i constantly twist and turn on my bed, trying to sleep but seeing nothing but his beautiful face shooting me flashes of scorn. i feel the pain in the eyes of the woman i stand behind on line at target, fingering my $12 fast food fashion finds as she argues with her daughter knowing she can't win anyway and adjusts her ill fitting trendy washed jeans that ride up her ass in protest of it's sheer, huge size. i feel the pain in my heart for all the people who thought they knew me and now don't want to get to know the new me, not returning my calls and making me feel as if i was just some zit on their face that they had been trying to pop away for a long, long time. i feel the pain in my cousins voice as she says that she drinks wine because it's not hard liqour and that she can handle it, but still flies off the handle when she can't find the rest of her half empty bottle and blames it on her daughter who blames it on her father who blames himself for letting it get this far. i feel the pain in the eyes of the lost little dog i run across in the parking lot that seems to want me to pet him but growls and shows his teeth the closer i get. i feel the pain in my best friends voice when she tells me she loves her husband but can't stop mentioning the name of the guy she had an affair with years ago and still seems to be in love with. i feel myself like a live wire, reacting to everything i touch with a spark of self inflamed sensitivity and i don't know where to put it all. i want to be better. i want to live my life. i want to be happy. i want to do so many things that i never was able to before, but i still feel the pain and it won't go away. i sit stone faced in a mood of self pity, not working the steps, not surrendering my will and not reaching out to those who can help. i cry alone in the dark, not looking for comfort, but crawling deeper into my shell and not caring where the solitude may take me. and i wait for him to call. or write. or text. or anything. and he doesn't. because he feels the pain that i have caused him and that's why i have to feel the pain and take responsibility for it. i wish i could get high. i wish i could escape. i wish i could have meaningless, random sex with a stranger and numb myself in orgasmic bliss. but wishing isn't hope and hope isn't a cure and the cure isn't really what i think i need. so i lose myself again, desperate for a friend, who won't judge me for what i've done, but looks forward to what i can become. as i get through this day and i take my pain and put it slowly away, i realize that i love myself now more than i ever did before, masquerading as a secret whore. a lovely bore. no more. i erase the pain away and pray for a better day. waiting for the revelation of my reborn spirit to arise. taking me and the world by surprise, by the disintgration of my lies and the non completion of my self proclaimed demise. i live another day- slightly ok, expecting nothing, wanting everything, giving something, still not sure of anything. and i breathe. i sigh. i smile to myself as i crawl one step each day out of my own living hell. and just for this day i'm ok with feeling all the pain and going through all the feelings and jumping out of my skin from each thought and uncomfortable predicament. because today is just that...today, and at midnight it's over and a chance for something better, lovelier, sweeter, open heart bleeder comes along. a promise not meant to be kept but chanced upon, it's outcome only to be decided by fate. and action. my actions. my belief in myself aand that everything, eventually, is gonna be ok.
Posted by corekt ( Nov 01 2006, 04:37:28 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
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Ah, sweet catharsis! Vomit forth from the deepest mire of despair and call it a day. Play Alison Moyet's version of La Chanson Des Vieux Amants when you have time and paint something. I'll be happy to send it to you.
Posted by IlFinocchio on November 01, 2006 at 05:37 PM CST #
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Tuesday October 31, 2006
As Marilyn Manson says, "Halloween is for amateurs". I couldn't agree more, but who am i to deny everybody the right to get dressed up, totally wacked outta their brains and give themselves a good old fashioned spooking...
aside from Halloween though, i realized there are a lot of other amateur situations going on, especially in the crazy world of gay sub culture. in my 40 year quest to define myself or find myself, i have taken a stab at doing and being so many fucking things without ever realizing professional status. in my legal careers, as a writer, stylist, designer, publisher & artist, i've tended to have a modest ammount of success but never really striking it big in the moola department. in fact, most of my creative endeavors have gotten me seriously in debt (never fund your own clothing line), in trouble (never fuck with Louis Vuitton; they will and did sue me), never assume that freelance writers actually end up getting paid (Marvin Jarrett- you may have killed Ray Gun and are living your alterna trendy life style thru Nylon- but you still fucking owe me for that Chloe Sevigny interview)and most important, never think that you are above various legal & illegal professions that will not only help pay the bills, but teach you some valuable life lessons along the way. Lets see, i've been a whore, a pot delivery dude, a medical research victim, sold my sperm before i had the plague, ditto the blood and i've had to resort to theiving in my heavy duty addict daze. Being a rent boy was never as tawdry as one would expect, in fact most of the time it was a fucking blast and i got paid way more for what my agreed to services actually implyed. i used to hustle out of this bar in LA called HUNTERS (the name alone is what brought me thru it's doors), but graduated to the back page ads of the San Francisco Bay Guardian because it was a helluva alot easier and most of the dudes were a bit more on the safe side rather than the tweaked out freaks that populated Santa Monica Blvd. in the late 90's. Delivering green was always fun and most of the people i saw each day treated me better than most of my so called professional aquantinces ever did. i lived in a grow house for a bit and the only stressful thing about it was waking up every morning at 5am and looking out the windows to see if the feds were about to bust us because that's how i always saw them do it on cops. i've let a variety of so called medical researchers take my blood and poke me with oblong objects all in the name of science and helping (hopefully) other folks stricken with the virus but not doing as well as i thanklfully have. I probably have a spawwn of my sperm somewhere out there that i will never meet, but just thinking about it gives me a perverse thrill. As i restart my life as a sober, homeless & jobless man in NYC come December 1st, i am thankful that my friend Joe has offered me a job at his soon to open cafe Rapture (E. 12th St- check it out, it's going to rock hardcore- bookstore, performance space- coffee & wine bar- lite food effect and so much more) and i'm more excited about that than pretty much anything right now. Not only will i be able to wear anything i want, but i won't have to cover up my ink, take out my peircings or wear a smirk of self contrived professional discomfort. Still have no idea where i'm gonna live, but something keeps telling me to release the fear on that subject and it will eventually work itself out. so lets hear it for the amateurs- we may not always know what we're doing, but at least we are putting ourselves out there, oblivious to critics, cranks & the usual croc of BS that accompanies them. For today, i can be whatever i want, whenever i want to be it and wherever the fuck i please. Amen to that.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 31 2006, 04:46:11 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
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Monday October 30, 2006
What's with suppossed 18 year olds in black leather thongs that hit you up and tell you how great you look for your age...
i always e-mail them back and say it must be the drugs. or it must have been all the drugs now that i'm sober. my internal organs are still so toxified that my spleen is most likely stoned for life, my heart coked up to manic beats, my liver a hardened sponge of martini marathons and my brain an Ecstacy scrambled mess that may never recover. i know i don't look my age, but then again, i never have. only now it all works in reverse. when i was 17 i passed myself off as someone in my late 20's, allowing me to have a fashion career that most kids would only dream about and a social life that was only possible in pre-guilliani days of nyc club decadence. my boyfriend at the time was an about to be famous 35 year old photographer MT, who had a penchant for chicken like young lads, take out peruvian food and a need to de-virginize my still untrained ass at any oppurtunity that might present itself. i looked up to him as if he was the second coming of god, ignoring his barely inch long cock and hunger for fame in a fleeting fashion world where pronouncement of GENIUS, THAT'S BRILLIANT and I LOVE IT were all too common place. one night at the mike todd room on the top floor of the hot club at the time, palladium, me & my friend kate were rolling on our usual 3 hits of E and comped kamikazi's when i made the mistake of fooling around with MT arch photographic rival DL. There styles were completely different, but their need for adoration and fierceness on a pretty even par. DL kissed me like a pro and made sure that our tongue tied spectacle was seen and noted by everyone from MT's camp. by the time i got home and snuck into bed, MT had already recieved several phone calls about my behaviour and the first words out of his mouth were "Wally, get the cream" or vaseline in his case as he was prone to using the reknowned doris day beauty treatment as his personal wanking lubricant. filled with guilt and still high on e, i passed him the jar, pulled down my pants and dutifully rolled over as he straddled me and put his teenie weenie into place, plunging with abandon into me until he came with a silent shudder and rolled off me to sleep. this went on for a few more months until i was inevitably dumped because i had been stealing fiftys from his wallet to cover my ever escalating coke habit and he was discovering the allure of his new assistant, a supposedly straight boy that wwas a year younger than me, blonder than me and much more tolerant of his need for magnification cock. now as i'm older and the tables have been turned, i find it kinda funny to be propositioned by under 21 dudes, whom mostly want to jerk off while IMing me or ask lame ass questions like are u a top or a bottom to which i reply, no i'm walter. not all of them fall into this category, in fact several have actually charmed the proverbial pants off me. but i'm not really looking to get involved with someone who can't match my life experience and unfortunately, most people, even in their 50's can't match my life experience. i'm not bragging or trying to be mr. done, seen & heard it all, but i've come to realize that some of us have just had to deal with alot more shit than others and unless you've dealt with major drama at some time in your life, chances are that mine is gonna scare you the fuck off. i've only been single for a little over two months now and i'm just starting to get used to sleeping alone, not making plans revolving around someone elses schedule or any of that crazy shit that comes along with a relationship. so for noww, i cruise the dlist, in search of something, maybe nothing. a few quick thrills, a few i'll show ya mine if you show me yours acts of private pic voyerism and hopefully some slowly building friendships that might develop into something a little more daring. a date. a dance. a first kiss. a first sleep-over. who knows, anything goes. and isn't that supposed to be the fun & point of it? Liberal labulations that slowly surrender our need for attachment into something more temporary yet timeless. the quickly hardened thrill of cyber space come on that can manifest itself into anything you want or need at the time. and sometimes, that's simply enough.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 30 2006, 12:37:49 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
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Wouldn't it be oh so cool, if we could all let down the guard, if we could all take off the masks...if we could all just truly show "ALL OUR CARDS", but all the pretenses just whirl around us like an Indiana Dust Devil...you wanna come closer, but your hand has touched the fire so much, you have to put up a wall, with only the littlest shard of light getting through the cracks in it, and that samll amount of light dictates with whom you'll trust, and whom you'll let in....... it's so sad to be in a room full of people and still feel all alone
Posted by you know (68.46.154.210) on October 31, 2006 at 06:16 PM CST #
Monday October 30, 2006
What's with suppossed 18 year olds in black leather thongs that hit you up and tell you how great you look for your age...
i always e-mail them back and say it must be the drugs. or it must have been all the drugs now that i'm sober. my internal organs are still so toxified that my spleen is most likely stoned for life, my heart coked up to manic beats, my liver a hardened sponge of martini marathons and my brain an Ecstacy scrambled mess that may never recover. i know i don't look my age, but then again, i never have. only now it all works in reverse. when i was 17 i passed myself off as someone in my late 20's, allowing me to have a fashion career that most kids would only dream about and a social life that was only possible in pre-guilliani days of nyc club decadence. my boyfriend at the time was an about to be famous 35 year old photographer MT, who had a penchant for chicken like young lads, take out peruvian food and a need to de-virginize my still untrained ass at any oppurtunity that might present itself. i looked up to him as if he was the second coming of god, ignoring his barely inch long cock and hunger for fame in a fleeting fashion world where pronouncement of GENIUS, THAT'S BRILLIANT and I LOVE IT were all too common place. one night at the mike todd room on the top floor of the hot club at the time, palladium, me & my friend kate were rolling on our usual 3 hits of E and comped kamikazi's when i made the mistake of fooling around with MT arch photographic rival DL. There styles were completely different, but their need for adoration and fierceness on a pretty even par. DL kissed me like a pro and made sure that our tongue tied spectacle was seen and noted by everyone from MT's camp. by the time i got home and snuck into bed, MT had already recieved several phone calls about my behaviour and the first words out of his mouth were "Wally, get the cream" or vaseline in his case as he was prone to using the reknowned doris day beauty treatment as his personal wanking lubricant. filled with guilt and still high on e, i passed him the jar, pulled down my pants and dutifully rolled over as he straddled me and put his teenie weenie into place, plunging with abandon into me until he came with a silent shudder and rolled off me to sleep. this went on for a few more months until i was inevitably dumped because i had been stealing fiftys from his wallet to cover my ever escalating coke habit and he was discovering the allure of his new assistant, a supposedly straight boy that wwas a year younger than me, blonder than me and much more tolerant of his need for magnification cock. now as i'm older and the tables have been turned, i find it kinda funny to be propositioned by under 21 dudes, whom mostly want to jerk off while IMing me or ask lame ass questions like are u a top or a bottom to which i reply, no i'm walter. not all of them fall into this category, in fact several have actually charmed the proverbial pants off me. but i'm not really looking to get involved with someone who can't match my life experience and unfortunately, most people, even in their 50's can't match my life experience. i'm not bragging or trying to be mr. done, seen & heard it all, but i've come to realize that some of us have just had to deal with alot more shit than others and unless you've dealt with major drama at some time in your life, chances are that mine is gonna scare you the fuck off. i've only been single for a little over two months now and i'm just starting to get used to sleeping alone, not making plans revolving around someone elses schedule or any of that crazy shit that comes along with a relationship. so for noww, i cruise the dlist, in search of something, maybe nothing. a few quick thrills, a few i'll show ya mine if you show me yours acts of private pic voyerism and hopefully some slowly building friendships that might develop into something a little more daring. a date. a dance. a first kiss. a first sleep-over. who knows, anything goes. and isn't that supposed to be the fun & point of it? Liberal labulations that slowly surrender our need for attachment into something more temporary yet timeless. the quickly hardened thrill of cyber space come on that can manifest itself into anything you want or need at the time. and sometimes, that's simply enough.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 30 2006, 12:37:49 PM CST ) Permalink Comments [1]
Comments:
Wouldn't it be oh so cool, if we could all let down the guard, if we could all take off the masks...if we could all just truly show "ALL OUR CARDS", but all the pretenses just whirl around us like an Indiana Dust Devil...you wanna come closer, but your hand has touched the fire so much, you have to put up a wall, with only the littlest shard of light getting through the cracks in it, and that samll amount of light dictates with whom you'll trust, and whom you'll let in....... it's so sad to be in a room full of people and still feel all alone
Posted by you know (68.46.154.210) on October 31, 2006 at 06:16 PM CST #
Sunday October 29, 2006
Forty years old, HIV +, dumped after 5 years with a fiercely corekt dude, left for dead in the Hudson River & almost ending up fish food and SOBER for 61 days today- no wonder i feel like a sponge with nothing left to squeeze out...
i almost fucked up my sobriety the other night because i felt the need to get on the pain box. i foolishly called my ex and even though he was cordial, i could tell from the hidden tone in his voice that it wasn't going to be a long conversation. he has an order of protection against me and i wanted to know if he had lifted it yet. nope. just talking to him made me get extremely emotional and the guilt, shame and disgust with myself for how i caused our break-up flooded all over me before i could do anything to stop it. the week before the shit hit the fan, it seemed like we would be spending the rest of our life together. we were chilling by the pool in fla., thrifting, cooking dinner, making love, all that good shit. when we returned to nyc, everything seemed ok, we even had our last dinner together at a really cozy little resturant in brooklyn where we held hands and kissed, oblivious of the strangers staring or the fate that was about to swallow us whole. my addiction. it was creeping up and about to explode into a full fledged fury. i had just done a huge deal with my ex-boss, arranging the sale of a collection of vintage Vogue & Bazaar magazines from the 30's to the 70's, for which i got a $3000 commission. in cash. giving that much cash to an addict is like handing a suicidal person a gun. no matter what happens, the outcome ain't gonna be pretty. i was ok for about a day, but soon found myself scoring coke at the bodega on 2nd ave and washing away my fear with pints of skyy while james was at work. he came home the first night and i tried to excuse my out of it state by saying it was my new sleeping pills. the skeptical look in his eye told me he wasn't buying it, but we had become so co-dependent by this time after 5 years of my lying and hiding my addiction that he chose to ignore the situation and we went to sleep. the next day he left for work and i headed straight for the drug store, buying almost 2 grams and downing them with a quart of vodka. i passed out, woke up and took a car service back into the city to score more. by the time he got home i was in a full on black out, i assaulted him and got kicked out of my own apartment by two burly policemen. that was 63 days ago. since then everything in my life has completely changed. i spent 7 days in a psyche/detox, then 21 days in a state run rehab where i ate cardboard tasting food and got called faggot more times than in high school. but i also spent alot of time listening. to my counselor, to other patients and to my own heart. what i heard wasn't pretty, but the truth isn't always beautiful. i had spent 27 years destroying every gift that god had given me and james was the final act of destruction. i had to make a desicion yesterday to completely end all contact with him. not because i don't love him, but because i love him so much that just hearing his voice and knowing he'll never be in my life again is so painful that it might make want to get high. and after all i've been thru that just isn't an option. after talking to him i had a mini nervous breakdown, so i called my friend joe up and tried to find some solace in his wisdom & knowledge, which he has been so generous with me throughout the past 2 months. it didn't really help at first and i cried myself to sleep. the next day was even worse, chain smoking my tears away until my brothers girlfriend got me off my ass and to an AA mting where total strangers made me feel as if i was their long lost friend. when i got home i texted james and told him i wasn't going to contact him anymore- that i still and will always love him, but i can't risk my sobriety on the pain of our break-up. it's ironic, but the best thing that ever happened to me was going into that blackout and forcing him to kick my ass out on the street. otherwise i would have never scared the shit out of myself and gotten the help i so desperately needed. i'm sorry that it was at his expense, but by dumping me he gave me the greatest gift of all- the courage to change my life and start fresh, a new man, with new hopes and dreams and the ability to love myself first before i choose to give my love to someone else. so james, if you ever read this, just know one thing- you were the most beautiful, kind and generous man i have ever known and the 5 years we shared together were a blessing that i was just too fucked up to appreciate. i know that without me in your life you will finally be able to find peace and happiness and by breaking up with me you have given me the same gift. a second chance that at first i felt i didn't deserve but now know i do. i will love you forever and even if we never see or speak to one another again, know that in my heart you take up the biggest space. sometimes the heart has to be broken so it can get a little bigger. mine is starting to heal and i hope yours is as well. the future can be anything we want it to be and for once, i'm not afraid of what might come my way. in fact, i welcome it with open arms. one day at a time.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 29 2006, 10:56:13 AM CST ) Permalink Comments [0]
Friday October 27, 2006
DEALERS, dealers. everywhere. it's like a gorgeously decadent epidemic. it's like a fuckin convenience store. he has coke. she has k. They all have E. Nobody is famous or familiar, but all can at least hope to be hacked up one day by a disgruntled club...
...kid if they're lucky. I spot my guy and finger my pockets in search of some bucks. dinero. Cold cash currency, spendable on whatever the fuck u please cash. SHIT. I left the change from my last 20 at the bar, trying to be mr. big tipper. that's what i get for being generous. so i know i'm gonna have to pull something. A scam. A technically tacky once over that could go wrong, but hopefully won't. I approach him slowly. His name is Mookie and he's wearing a burgundy faux suede Members Only Jacket. He's troll like short and has a moustache that looks like oscar the grouches eyebrows run amok. his hair is greasy and it wouldn't surprise me if he combs it with "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter...Spray". He twitches every third breath and looks at me nervously as i pull closer. Suddenly an overbearing, group of French Euro-trash converge upon him like vultures and he is temporarily distracted. within a second i'm standing before him..."Whatchoo want" he says as he hands over a few vials to the french chicks and looks me hard in the eye. I hand him a carefully folded single and whisper a gram as he whispers back one hundred. without looking at the bill he deposits it in his jacket pocket and slips me a vial almost like a magic trick. i turn and head for the bathroom, praying he isn't behind me, wise to my deception. I get inside the john, lock the door and turn on all the faucets until the sound of splashing water drives me out of my skull and back into reality. I pour the blow onto my fist and snort it up fitfully, confused by my desire and momentarily paralyzed by the strong cocaine oozing into my membranes. I walk back into the room and notice mookie. Oh my god, is he staring at me? I imagine he's not and try to glide right past him, sweating till my balls shrink to the size of raisinets. I'm 50 ft away, 40. 30. 20. now 10. now i'm right in front of his mother fucking face, but wait. he's smiling, an expression lacking one thing...teeth. He's fucking toothless. i smile back and try to hustle past him, the exit is only a few feet away, but i can feel that something is wrong. i start to hear his voice, talking to me...commanding me to stop. he flashes a grin and says "how was it man? good shit, huh?" i nod yes and feel his fingers grab the back of my shirt collar. "If it was so good then pay me the rest of my money you sorry ass bitch!" he yells, but i've got other plans and getting my head blown off wasn't one of them. I break free and run from the club as mookie fires a shot at me. it hits an innocent club kid in raver pants instead...one less lolly pop kid as far as i;m concerned. I run for blocks- thru red lights and knocking into strangers until i stop in a doorway and snort the last of the blow, slightly deranged, strangely serene.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 27 2006, 08:14:01 PM CDT ) Permalink Comments [1]
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I know you have a ton of great.(while I was out there) stories....right?. That is what that was....right?.....I KNOW THAT DID NOT HAPPEN TODAY.......right?.... :-)
Posted by Franko on October 28, 2006 at 01:13 PM CDT Website: http://www.dlist.com/hotrodbod #
Thursday October 26, 2006
19 year old baby mommy pushing carriage full of unsuspecting infant & $2000 in stolen books plus a locket full of Ecstacy only seemed like it was the craziest shit i had ever pulled, but things were about to get a whole lot wierder...
i had met the afore mentioned mommy when she was 15 and we were both working at a tacky resturant in the poconos called, i kid u not, Top Of The World. She was a hostess / busser and i was struggling with waiter / bartender duties. my first night i dropped a shrimp cocktail unto the lap of a woman in a white pantsuit, giving her a faux bloody crotch and me the excuse to hightail it outta there early. baby mommy was smoking a phillies blunt outside in the parking lot and quickly offered me the solace of a thc high, so we got to know each other and later that night she took me home where i scored some so-so coke from her gangsta wanna be rican momma and shared a half bottle of hennessy with her dad, who had a six inch scar that trailed from the tip of his nose and wrapped around his constantly moving mouth. nice people. they became like family to me that summer, and when i wasn't serving tourists chicken fingers and bloody marys, i hung out with them, becoming an honorary member of their fucked up but fun family. me & baby mommy eventually went our seperate ways- me to the city and an art gallery job, her to the dwindling new jersey raver kid party scene. i had met my ex james and she met her future husband tommy, a blue eyed polack party kid that sold weed on the side and shaved his eyebrows into sublime structures of energetic expression. we would all hang out, drop E on occassion and do small time shit like joyride in hot cars, move a lil bit of her mommas snow white to unsuspecting nyc yuppy types and the occassional five finger discount at our favorite designer goody shop Pat Field. by this time i was a raging coke fiend, drinking up my courage to try new, illegal ways of getting the cash i needed to support my habit. when baby mommy finally had her lil off-spring, it seemed like the perfect idea to have her come to the gallery where i would fill her carriage full of stolen books and let her non chalantly wheel them over to the local book store and sell them for cash, which we split down the middle. we would then use the money to further our by then desperate means, never once thinking about how wrong it was or fearing getting caught. i loved her locket full of ecstacy, it made the whole thing seem so more thrilling. eventually, i left that job because my boss drank himself to near death and never paid the rent on the store. so now i was faced with a $100 a day coke habit and no way to get my supply. so i returned to my old stand by, hustling. picking up funky trolls in random west village bars, agreeing on a price, then rolling their asses once i got them home. my bf never knew and the drugs spiraled out of control, until eventually i ended up in a black-out where i bit him one day when he came home from work, got kicked out of my apartment by the police, went on a super bender the next night and got mugged while i was in another blackout and thrown head first into the hudson river where i almost ended up fish food. the moral of my story? none. that was 64 days ago and today i have 60 days sobriety. baby mommy has lost custody of her child, i lost my boyfriend and ended up first in a psych/detox lock down ward then in a state run rehab. sounds like fun huh? come on kids, lets get high! not. well, now i'm climbing out of the wreakage of my past and shaking off the old demons one by one. i have no idea who i'm to become or what i want to do or where i need to be. but each day offers me the promise of a fresh start and as i push my past behind me and slowly bury my guilt & shame, i realize that i don't regret what i've done but have hopefully learned from it. and really...isn't that all a newly single 40 year old dude can ask for? that and a youthful appearance and an appetite not for destruction but for reconstruction. i try to take new pictures everyday, lately a lot of self portraits becuase they remind me of how i'm changing and let me put a face to my feelings that particular day. 60 days yo...didn't think i could do it. the true test will be when i move back to nyc on nov.30th. time will tell. that's for l8tr- today isn't even done yet. and so far, it's the best day of my life. not for any special reason, just because. and right now, that's good enough for me.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 26 2006, 09:02:10 PM CDT ) Permalink Comments [1]
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Man! I love your blog! Is that inappropriate to say? It's often very sad...but brutally honest! I wish more blogs were like it! Cheers, DEREK
Tuesday October 24, 2006
ok so i know that it's starting to get bad when i start indulging in back room blow jobs, business bears in office clone wear and my all time favorite... RIM EM & WEEP...
boys boys everywhere- but where the fuck are the men? i'm beginning to indulge in past life behaviours disguised as delicious sexual debauchery. Here I am getting a blowjob from a hot mexican boy while i stare in disbelief at the 70's chic decor of the dirty movie house and then i'm comparing denim dickeies at K-Mart until a grungy EV dude catches my eye and later my cock with his come hither gaze. I get down on my knees and say fuck me if you please to the boy with the goatee and the thirst for some of my knowledge. but you can't fudge facts and my track record is getting in arrears as i replace my need to get fucked up with the fleeting escapeisms into sexual decay, struggling with the cravings of my cock but finding myself jerking off with a freind, while i'm thinking of him and also of him, the two become one upon my orgasmic whim. I can only relate to the cum of total strangers, feeling slightly serene, a bit un pristine...lacking the will to just chill with my ills until i can no longer stand it and i let out a scream, taking my time, if ya know what i mean. so you can suck this and he can suck that as long as everyone gets their proverbial turn at bat- and i'll think of you, just as you think of me- losing ourselves in self declared depravacy. i'm back for more before i even get it- searching for the juicy fullfillment of my jaundiced joy. here comes another one- pretty eyes- he stops, we smile- we head towards a doorway where he pushes me in and presses his self upon me. next hour i'm in a park, walking to a friends house when i see him again- this time with a friend- they pass me un-noticeably, until he turns around and within 15 minutes i'm fucking one of them in the bathroom while the other eats out my ass and i grind into his face with just a little too much force but its ok- he likes it mikey. i wake up in a room covered in lime vinyl with a young man named ben who looks like a 10 going on 40 and i wonder if he's just a kid turned man until he notices me and laughs then jumps back on me. all of this takes place over the course of a week as i sink into a very sullified daze of self contentment disguised as seduction. i prowl. i leap. i mame. i lv a trail of my semen through pit stained alleys that dot my mind and look up once again into a strange face smiling down at me as they shoot their load against the back of my throat, stroking my hair like a mare- and then i stop. i go cold turkey. i walk past the bar. past the pretty boys. past the lustful looks of counterfeit astonishment and sexual intrigue. i turn to myself and question my means as the thrill of the cum sequesters this scene. i think about him and then i think about that other him- hungry for connection, but self starving for survival.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 24 2006, 10:45:20 PM CDT ) Permalink Comments [1]
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Has the pace and meter of a good song, of which I might ask to use if it wasn't so revealing....:-)
Posted by F (68.46.154.210) on October 25, 2006 at 04:31 AM CDT #
Sunday October 22, 2006
What do you do with an angel- or the facimilie there of that pops into your life out of nowhere and proceeds to cast a spell over you?
i never believed in angels. or miracles. or pretty much of anything. then my entire life got turned upside down, i got dropped on my ass and my so called perfect vision got re-adjusted. there's this dude whom shall remain nameless that came out of nowhere and proceeded to drop some heavy fucking science on me- not in a beastie boys way, but kinda like that without the breakbeats and ill video styling. i was down and out and wearing foam one size fits all slippers with smiley faces stamped at the toes. institution pajamas and a haldol glaze of ill contentment. i had lost everything, but he showed me that i had everything to gain. he was there when almost everyone else of importance in my life had left me to my own devices. he gave me some love, a lot of support and a bit of the ability to believe in myself again. if you read my blog, you know i've been through it. you also know that lately i'm starting to see the light- thunderous applause booms in the background- but for real yo. i didn't think i had a future or even wanted one. my feelings are so mixed up and my emotions so confused that i can easily be distracted by the dark side if i'm not careful. i'm trying not to confuse my feelings of appreciation towards this dude with feelings of lust or love or even admiration, yet i feel all these things for him and i don't quite know why. i'm vulnerable to the kind hand of a stranger and i'm hungry for the mutual respect factor- i look up to him as a teacher and i also look at him as being one sexy mother fucker that fills my void with intensity and freaked out vibrations that i might be masquerading behind because he's such an amazing presence in my life that it's all i can do to keep from reaching out for him and trying to engulf him in my fold. yes, i needed a lil bit o saving and yes, he has given me strength- but now i can't stop thinking about him even though i know he's the ultimate free bird and can't get attached to anything. i can't either. i'm newly single again at 40 and i don't want to mistake my feelings of loneliness for new found love...yet i am feeling this rush of excitement, this thrill of attraction, this want & need for more of the physical contact we have engaged in. but i don't want to scare him away. i want him to know that i respect him, that i look up to him, that i am learning so much from his being in my present that the thought of him not being in my life scares the shit out of me. he's different from everybody i have ever known and there seems to be no bounds as to what we can explore, inspire and learn from each other. so i'm asking god to give me the strength and the courage to slow my shit down, take a deep breath and just try to take all this amazing energy he's giving me and not miscontrue it in any way. to be in the present, not looking back or ahead, living in this moment and being able to share this gift of someone in my life that is actually giving me reasons to live and not use, strength to explore my fears and not run from them and the ability to turn myself over sexually without confusing fierce lust for refreshed love. he is like an angel, only in the fact that he is showing me that i have so many other choises to make rather than the ones i have already made. but when i take his hand in mine and pull him close for a kiss, the spark that i feel is one i have never known before and i am reduced to an awkward, shy almost stunted soul, afraid to take the next step or just let the next step take me. i know this person is in my life for a reason, i just don't want to confuse it or make him feel that i want something he can't give. but i do want to kiss him again and i do want to hold him close to my chest until i collapse against his strong frame and breathe that long awaited sigh of relief that has escaped me for so long. the sense that i am no longer escaping from what i thought i was but discovering who i can be and sinking into an abyss of satisfaction untainted by the dark tinges of my addiction and despair. tonight, i send out a wave of gratitute and a lone solemn kiss that may never land on his lips, but finds itself caught in a web of my own realization.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 22 2006, 02:13:25 AM CDT ) Permalink Comments [1]
Saturday October 21, 2006
It's really funny what happens when you go through a major life change...
in the past 54 days i've come to realize that sometimes the people in your life may not always want whats best for you. before i went into rehab, i shared my dirty little secret of addiction with most of my inner circle. now that i'm out, that circle has shrunk to the size of a dot. some of my friends can't deal with what i've been going through, while others have been so hurt from my past actions that they've simply written me off. when i hit my bottom, i got mugged and thrown into the hudson river. besides losing my wallet and my dignity, i also lost my cell phone. when i got my new one i waited to see if any of my old buds would try to call and reach me, figuring that my absence from their lives might actually cause some concern. surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, only a few have re-established contact with me. yeah, i know i was a handful, and i also realize that i'm not the only one dealing with shit. but i kinda thought that my friends would be wondering where the hell i had dissapeared to. now that i've resurfaced, it turns out that some of them were simply glad to be done with me. the ones that have come back into my life though have showed so much unconditional love and support, i'm sorry i pushed them away for as long as i had. in my sobriety, i am making new friends that don't really care about my past. instead, they are helping me to deal with my new future. if the old circle comes back again, to tell you the truth, i might not even be interested in re-establishing our connections. since most of my old buds still use, that presents a problem in itself. so as i come to terms with where i am going and who i am becoming, the best thing for me is to simply release everything that in the past was holding me back. i've also come to realize that even the people i though i was closest to, might not be the best influences on me. sure, i'm a lil bit lonely, but that's just a fleeting feeling. i'll make new friends and i'll have new experiences. and thankfully, now i'll be present for them and not the fucked up, numbed out old me that manipulated every situation and used those around me to get what i wanted, which was usually just to get and continue being high. they say the average craving lasts 7 minutes and if you can get through that short period of desperate need anything is possible. today, i'm actually starting to believe that. and treasure it. and love it. today is the best day of my life.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 21 2006, 01:53:22 PM CDT ) Permalink Comments [0]
Friday October 20, 2006
I'm not quite sure if what i'm feeling is elation or deflation, because my mood is spinning in so many different fucking directions...
that it must be a. the effects of being sober, b. the effects of not being able to get fucked up, c. finally talking to the ex and hearing just a lil bit of that old loving feeling in his voice and d. all of the above. i went on the verbal rampage a few days ago and threatened him with several bits of bullshit because he still had the con ed under my name, had sold a bunch of my books and was still not accepting any of my multiple offers of appology. but yesterday, under the influence of feeling sad and freaked out over the one year anniversary of my dads death, i texted him and told him i didn't care about all that shit and just wanted him to be happy. surprisingly, he called me right back and told me he appreciated my gesture of good will but still needed time to heal. fine by me. i was just so happy to hear his voice and not feel hate and venom coming from him. but now i'm confused because i wish he could heal faster and that he could be back in my life now rather than later- i still love the mother fucker, i still want him in my life and i still can't sleep at night because every time i wake up i wish he was lying next to me, holding me like he sed to and kissing me awake. time will tell and patience has never been one of my virtues. if it's meant to be, maybe he'll come back. but i have to learn to get on without him. sometimes the heart has to break so it can get a little bit stronger and i'm sure he's in just as much pain as i am. i've got to give him the space he needs and i have to give myself the time i need to find out who i am and what i can become each new day i remain sober. temptation today was the worst and all i wanted to do was run off and get high- but i can't. i won't. i refuse to go backwards and risk losing everything. i miss my dad. i miss my ex. i miss my comfort zones of drugged out numbness. but if i don't hold on i'll end up with nothing and there's no way out for me if i use again. i've almost died once. i can't risk almost dying again. i just can't.
Posted by corekt ( Oct 20 2006, 09:45:17 PM CDT ) Permalink Comments [0]
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