The Daze Of My Life

September 20, 2007 - Thursday
Stop Your Sobbing....Start Doing Something... Current mood: cheerful Category: Life
This funk has lasted for weeks now- why let it? I'm over feeling sad and deprived and like the last one to get picked for the team. Everything sucks, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I'm tired of the plague running my life and dictating who, what and where I can go. I'm tired of negative people influencing my mood and trolls who claim to be my friends getting in my way. So what if I can't drink anymore. Who gives a shit if I'm not the fashion somebody I used to be. And whatever to everyone trying to dictate what your 40's are suppossed to be about. I'm going to try and take my life back, even if it's a rocky, rough and tumble road at least i'm the one walking it. Been listening to Pink and her song I'm Not Dead- my new theme song- especially when she sings "you're my crack of sunlight"- I guess that would have to be Will. No one has ever put me through more in 3 months than he has, but I still love him and when I finally see him when I get back to NYC I'll know for sure if he is family, friend or foe. He's been pretty steady in terms of love and support the past week, so hopefully it's all good- and thatr's how i'm going to look at things- hopefully it will all be good.
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So heres the dealio- Current mood: crazy Category: Life
My brother is dying of Hep C and Pulmonary Fibrosis and refuses medical attention. my mom is addicted to morphine and Dr. Phil. My boyfriend beat the shit out of me but i still love him. I just found out that if i ever drink again i will die before i'm 45. I'm living the life of a welfare rat and food stamps only get you so far. I'm thinking of stopping all my plague meds and putting it all in gods (if there is one) hands. I just took a bunch of my mothers pills and guess what- it only made me feel like more shit. what am i thankful for? my friendfs. they rule. they are my family. what else? $5 t-shirts size small at tar-jay and h&m underwear. yeah, i'm a mess. read my ass. go ahead. i deserve it. i'll be home soon. to more doctors- to more being broke. to more trying to get my fucking art out there. i'm seriously fucked. i can barely write. i can't draw for shit lately and haven't taken a new picture in two weeks- will someone knock some sense in me. PLEASE.
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September 19, 2007 - Wednesday
i don’t know what to do. follow my heart, listen to my head, take all my friends advice... Current mood: crushed
or just go my own way. i love will. i don't love will fucked up. the doctor said i can't drink anymore- the mix of booze and my hiv meds is slowly killing me- i'm in fla. trying to regroup, but i'm stuck in a pattern of insomnia and depressed as hell. i fucking cried during the devil wears prada cause it made me miss my fashion career. coulda, shoulda, woulda. what will i do when i get back to nyc? go back on the head meds and be a zombie again? succomb to the fear of being alone and love someone whom might hurt me? i'm so tired- physically, mentally and spiritually. if there is a god, will you pls show me the way? Please?
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September 11, 2007 - Tuesday
Back in the city, ignoring fashion week (although Marc Jacobs and Anna Sui RULED!) and... Current mood: restless Category: Travel and Places
...pulling things together b4 i leave on Saturday to spend 3 weeks in Fla. Will is coming to the City today and I am hoping that the healing process we began upstate continues down here. I took a leave of absence from my job. My stomach has been fucked up for two weeks and my doctor has me doing a bunch of tests, but i still feel like shit and work just isn't happening when your constantly running to the bathroom to puke. I need this break to restart myself and figure out the future. I want to make things work with Will, but I also realize that we are two addictive people that tend to act out in explosive ways. We're planning on spending Nov. & December in California. I'm trying to find a gallery to rep me and Will wants to spend time with his family and friends. My friends Emily & Isaac just had a gorgeous baby so I need to be out there anywayz- Lets see how things go this week and then while we are seperated for a few weeks. If this really is meant to be and as strong as it seems then a little break might be a good thing and bring us closer together. If not, then it's time to move on and take things to the next logical step, although I really don't have any idea what that is. Oy!
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September 7, 2007 - Friday
trapped in a prison of my own making or free to flee with no one on my tail? Current mood: crazy
Escape from NYC- hopped a train to upstate NY and sequestered myself in the almost fool proof cocoon of vacation brideled vacancy. I'm trying not to think, but my mind reels anyway. All i can do is try and let all my sences unspool at once. The shiner is fading, but not the memory. The pain is fleeting, but easily replaced. My brain says one thing, my heart says another. I know that I am in deep water. Off my head meds for almost a month now without doctor supervision, I am a walking, talking, almost living being trying to take it all in at once but the sheer imposibility of it all makes me tired and sleep these days has become my worst enemy- i think of things that mean nothing really. my dreams are scattered visuals of tortured deception, while their meanings grip me in surreal ways that i can't explain. I'm reeling, lost in the tranquility of the vacation and found in the realization that come sunday i slip back into my life and still have no idea where he and i stand. my friends all think it should end. but they don't love him. they don't share our addictions love or drug or booze wise. I want to share everything, but i know that would be a slow suicide. do i kill myself to start again or just go on and act like my own best friend? who knows. who knew. who cares. my drama is hard for anyone to deal with. friends drop like fly's and aquaintences multiply like bunnies. Everyone wants whats best for me, but what of my own desire and how i need to be?
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September 5, 2007 - Wednesday
I’ve spent the past six days walking around like a marked man and wearing my shiner of courage Current mood: high Category: Writing and Poetry
as proudly as possible. The first two days were a lesson in sheer humility as i placed my hat as low as it would go without looking too shady as i walk to the 2 in the bronx. My black eye pokes through my try a disguise and i'm greeted with looks of disgust, disbelief and indifferance. I bury myself in the Post and try to aviod the stares of a 7 year old Dominican girl and her mother who shoot me looks that i misinterpret as pity then realize are actually commaraderie since momma is sporting quite the shiner herself. I walk through the West Village in pants hung low stance with faggot thug proportion- skulking and weaving as if the weight of the world is crashing on my shoulders and each time i make eye contact with some marc jacobs trendy wannabe fashionista i glare like an animal through my black & Blue bruizes. I get to work and the crew is aghast- what happened? you get jacked? into that kinky shit, huh? and the old stand by- Oh My God Let Me Know If Theres Anything I Can Do For You- OK? I wanna puke in my shoes and i'm already squirming in my underwear- wishing i was anywhere else but here but ready to deal with it anyway. The night drips by like syrup, slow but sweet and full of sly smiles, shifty stares and sullen smidgens of personality drained banter. I hit the road at 11 and stumblr though the EV drawing stares from hot daddys who like their boys mohawked and busted up. Then there are the curious types that almost act as if they might stop and touch you, to connect to your pain- to share your drama- to bleed with you. I shake them all off, visual distractions that might even bed hallucinations, but then catch sight of myself in a windows reflection and realize that beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder- cause right now i kinda look gorgeous. scary. but gorgeous. Ok? Who gives a flying fuck what some troll on the street thinks anyway. I have my own agenda to deal with and drama to dispense with.
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September 4, 2007 - Tuesday
Smashed almost to smithereens, left to sift through the agony or choose the ecstacy... Current mood: apathetic Category: Writing and Poetry
...but i weigh the bad against the good and the good wins. I'm not perfect. neither is he. two wrongs do not make a right. but i now wear the scar of our love for all to see and judge, but only i can make the final decision. and for now, i need to be with him and see if there can be a future without the fuck ups. i'm willing to take the chance. for once i have nothing to lose.
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August 25, 2007 - Saturday
This week has been the most fucked up, twisted, never ending excursion into the darkest and.. Current mood: anxious Category: Parties and Nightlife
most depraved depths of my soul. Long story short. W & I were both broke and decided to resurrect our semi retired hooker asses. After placing an ad, fielding a few calls and getting rip roarin drunk we ended up in a public display of degragation courtesy of the Boiler Room and a dude we thought we might roll. Things got out of control and I was particularly messy, giving W & I both pause about ever returning to the scene of our crime. But of course we do, albeit seperately. W first, goes on a booze and coke binge and wanders NYC till dawn until he falls into some erant strangers bed and booty. I'm in NJ at Missys chilling, so he can't get in our pad and comes to meet me the next day, where i forgive and try to forget everything. Fast forward a week later and W is upstate and I am on a drunken prowl- sucking up the booze and coke like jaded nightlife veteran until i black out and end up in the sack with 2 of W's best friends, sucking and rolling their asses simultaeneously. The next day is bedlam as the shit hits the fan- i'm awoken to a rude conclusion of the previous nights dastardly deeds, W hating me, breaking up with me, my rep sullied, my memory a big fat blank. The next few days pass as if in slow mo- i try to make ammends, i try to make peace, i fail miserably and resign myself to a quart of vodka and bag of blow and the sinking feeling that i've fucked up everything forever. Or have I. Slowly the days go by and i do my thing, hoping and praying for a chance to make things right. Yesterday W said he wants us to stay together and it takes me by surprise. But I run with it and agree to meet him on tuesday and try to work things out. He did, we did, they said, i did no such thing. Whatever. I am ready to settle down a bit and chill with someone i love rather than just crack out with them. if it is meant to be it will be. I am a better, stronger, braver and fiercer person since meeting W. If and when we take things further remains to be seen, but i am hoping for an outlook of promise, peace and pleasure. Amen.
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August 16, 2007 - Thursday
Things change and sometimes it’s actually for the better... Current mood: cheerful Category: Friends
Ok- quick update- my life has been almost normal lately. Living in the Bronx is a schlep, but worth it- the hood is chill, the pad corekt and the possibilities endless. Working at this resturant in the EV & WV called Westville taking phone orders. Everyone is super nice and no attitude, so it rocks. I'm officially involved with someone again, Will and he has moved in with me. Didn't plan on any of this, but I'm taking it day by day and not expecting too much. He's been really good to me, also an artist and fiercely independent, beyond beautiful and shares alot of similiar stuff with me. I've put my move to Portland on hold until I see how far this is going, but in my heart I know it's going to go someplace surprising, so it looks like NYC will be my home for abit more time. My friends have all rallied around and shown their approval and support which rocks. Just spend a few days at casa de la Missy's in NJ, rolling, laughing and loving...good times. Lauren & Keith were there and Chrissy & Eddie too- everyone in a great mood and full of HOPE, LOVE & JOY! Missy is a very healing person and I'm so glad to have her in my life. Mouse was there, getting ready to move to Philly and start the next chapter of her life- she seems determined to make it work this time and I am confident she can make it work. I hate that she's moving so far away, but if it makes things easier for her thats all that matters. I'm doing a few shoots this week for a new web site, one a fetish shoot, the other a break-dancing story. I've been doing portraits too- just posted them so check em out in my photo section under portraits. Anywayz- be fierce, keep it corekt and love everything, OK?
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August 13, 2007 - Monday
my life is once again spinning in & out of control as i embark on an entirely new life with the Current mood: giddy
most random dude ever. New apartment, new job, new neihborhood, new friends mixed with old ones and then Will zooms in and shakes everthing up- inspiring me and co conspiring with me and the adventures are deep and crazy and super fun- i'm laughing, off anti depresents- inspired by things again- soaking in the city and rocking a new mohawk and just whistling at the wind and smiling for no reason in particular. life CAN be good :)
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